Facebook Gags

These are the daily jokes I wrote for Facebook. It was a challenge inspired by Mick Lowenstein. I'm having a break from it for a month. Enjoy!

I think men who get penis extensions are just over-compensating for not having a bigger car.
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...And on the eighth day the council looked at all God had created and fined Him for not getting planning approval.

I mistakenly installed an insecurity system in my house. If someone breaks in, there's no alarm, it just says 'It's because I'm fat, isn't it?'

Wanker quote from the future:
"Of course, I was into solar before it became mainstream. It was so much better when it was an alternative energy"

My psychiatrist told me I was a kleptomaniac. I asked if there was anything I could take for it.

Being in a relationship changes the way you see the world. For example, I was watching a weather report and they said 'it's fine' and my immediate response was 'Oh shit! What have I done wrong now?'

If you were wondering, the font sky-writers use is Arial.

Screw science! When I die, I'm leaving my body to social studies.

The reason Chinese whispers always mess up the message is because they are cheaply made and mass produced. For reliability and precision, try German whispers.

Love is when you're head over heals. Lust is when you're heels over head.

Lady Gaga really does have a poker face. It's pointy and I want to shove it in the fire.

Pregnant pause: The few seconds of panic after someone tells you they're pregnant but you're not sure if they want to see your happy face or your concerned face.

I was told that to be successful I should always be setting the bar higher. Terrible advice, from the worst limbo coach ever!

It was the classic Mormon love story. Boy meets girl, boy meets girl, boy meets girl, boy meets girl.

The united push by the fashion industry for hipster jeans was never going to last. Cracks had been appearing for years.

I bought a brand new 4WD and took it out on the road. But as soon as it got over 60kph it started to whistle loudly. I took it straight back to the shop to complain. 'Hey!', I said, 'You told me this was a Hummer'.

If you know someone with an appetite for destruction, you should try my recipe for disaster.

I bought a DVD that boasted 'lots of added extras', but when I watched it, all it had was more people in the background.

Maybe beggars are just buskers who don't like to show off.

There was a mistake on my blood test report. It said my blood was Type 'A' but it was a typo.

A little known album from 1957 was all about a teenage boy and two boring weeks of running errands, copying documents and making coffee for people. It was called 'The Jimi Hendrix Work Experience'.

I don't use battery chargers any more. It's far more ethical to use free range ones.

A leading fashion magazine has finally admitted it is causing young girls to become bulimic. It's changed it's name to The Readers Don't Digest.

I love the green canvas shopping bags. They hold so much more rubbish than those flimsy plastic ones.

You've got to give those people smugglers credit. It can't be easy trying to enter a country with another person hidden up their arse? I'm guessing its the way they'd walk that would give them away.

Half the kids I went to school with went on to become successful capitalists, the other half got really good at formation marching and praising the great leader Kim Il-sung. This was all thanks to the advice we got from our Korea guidance counsellor.

When I had an office job I refused to be just another pencil pusher. I was always trying to push the envelope.

You should never run away from your problems, unless your problems involve marauding killer robots.

Laziness walks in my family.

I grew up in the 80s. At school the other kids would tease me because of my carefully sculpted hairstyle. My mum told me not to worry and that the other kids were just gel-less.

I opened the world's first free range pet shop. It was very successful. The animals were literally walking out the door.

Time waits for no man. But it knows better than to ask a woman to hurry up.

Like many other codes the 'dress code' was invented in WW2 and was created to keep thong and singlet wearing Nazis out of Poland.

It's amazing that Santa Claus got to the age he is without ever working out that he doesn't exist.

When a magician gets fired does he become disillusioned?

I always felt bad for Tonto. Spending all that time with a guy who called himself the 'Lone' Ranger and never taking the hint.

Does imitation leather come from a fake tannery?

Indian actors don't audition for roles in Bollywood films, they have to be born into their parts. It's a traditional 'cast system'.

If you hire cheap lawyers your testimony might be discounted.

Things are bad. I went and saw my accountant and he told me I only have six months to live.

Why would I bother with a gym membership? Thanks to my Catholic upbringing I can feel guilty and inadequate for free.

Thanks to my rose-coloured 3D glasses I remember 'Avatar' being much better than it really was.

As a child I was convinced that I was too big and fat. It all started when I took my imaginary friend to play with me on the see-saw.

I went in for hearing test. I got an
'ay?'

I used to build and fly model airplanes. Once I built a supermodel airplane, but it was no good. When it got to the end of the runway it turned around and went back.

I'm a very lazy psychic. I don't read minds, I wait for the DVD.

Parental advice when I was a kid:
"Just because your friends do it doesn't mean you should. If they all jumped off a cliff..."
Parental advice now that I'm an adult:
"All your friends have settled down and had kids. When are you going to?"
(That cliff's looking quite tempting.)

I got abducted by a blurry photo of a weather balloon.

Interestingly, to do air guitar you never need any Air Supply.

After seeing an ad on TV I decided to pre-plan my funeral. So now I just hope all my friends and family are available on February 18.

I'm an expert at dating women. No matter where they're from, all I need is a core sample and I can tell you exactly how old they are.

People often say "the shit's hit the fan" but few people ever ask "why the hell is shit being propelled in the first place?" After all, is it really that much better if it misses the fan?

I went back to my old primary school last week, but when I got there I suddenly realised I was wearing my pyjamas. It was a dream come true!

My granddad was a beligerent smoker. At his request when he died we had him cremated and his ashes blown into the face of a complete stranger.

I have a mate who's a bikie. Last weekend he was so drunk he went and got a tattoo removed.

I returned to the office to find a large puddle under the receptionist's desk. I asked her if there were any messages for me. She told me that nature called.

If you give money to a crazy American evangelist you are only helping to fund-a-mental Christian.

I got chewing gum stuck on my boot. A small price to pay to stop the annoying guy on the bus who was chewing it at the time.

I bought some expensive perfume but when I got home it smelt like shit. It was then that I realised I'd accidentally bought a bottle of Chanel No.2

Annoying children are a bit like reverse imaginary friends. Everyone else can see and hear them, but their parents don't.

They say a dog is man's best friend. But if you try and do tequila shots with him on his birthday they send the RSPCA around.

I heard Matthew Newton is going to get a sex change and become a woman. He figures if you can't beat 'em, join 'em.

Superman has had to cut back on his flying and using his X-ray vision after he got his super power bill.

That feeling you get when you walk through a craft fair and start feeling like you've seen all this stuff before is called 'decoupage-a-vu'.

I wonder if anyone in Ancient Greece looked at the bronze urns and pottery that now sits in our museums and said 'You know this stuff doesn't biodegrade and will still be here in a thousand years'.

I was always quite mature as a child. While the other kids were afraid of clowns, I was afraid of political satirists.

Nanotechnology: Any device that, when you try and explain it to your grandmother, makes her respond with a blank stare and an unconvincing "oh."

Things are hectic. I've postponed the first day of the rest of my life until next Thursday.

Only after the last tree has been cut down, only after the last river
has been poisoned, only after the last fish has been caught, only then
will the white man ask... "I wonder what Native Americans taste like?"

Inkling: The suspicious feeling you're being massively ripped off when you buy a printer cartridge.

I saw a dead cat on the road. It's a tragic irony that cats are given nine lives, but they aren't given the ability to keep count.

I wanted to go on an ocean cruise but, for safety reasons, they wouldn't let me on the ship. They claimed my lips were too loose.

I entered an Irish dancing competition. I won it hands down.
As a kid, all my friends were as clumsy as me. We'd often have slip-over parties.

I know this guy who's a marionette. It's awkward because I don't know him very well, but he's just asked me to help him move.

I'm a martial artist. I like to paint a portrait of someone and then roundhouse kick them in the head.

Doctors Without Borders have to buy their books at Angus & Robertson.

The phenomenon of beached whales started when a bunch of hippie humpbacks decided that it would be an amazing spiritual experience to go 'running with humans'.

I took my American mate down to the beach but he got attacked by seagulls. It kinda ruined his holiday. Poor Chip.

One of the greatest inventions in history was the Gutenberg Press. It revolutionised the process of churning out cheap scripts for Police Academy sequels

Now that I'm engaged people ask me if I'm worried that 50% of marriages end in divorce. To be honest, I'm more worried about the 50% that end in death.

If Ikea doesn't want me to curse them, they shouldn't make me use a hex-key.

I'm a realist. I never ask kids what they want to be when they grow up. I ask “What do you want to regret that you never did when you grow up?”

They say cleanliness is next to Godliness. So, all you need to align yourself with the omnipotent being that created and controls the infinite universe, is a bottle of Spray & Wipe and a couple of Chux wipes.

I couldn't understand why they would call a magazine "Who". But it finally made sense when I looked through a copy and didn't recognize any of the people in it.

I like to party like there's no tomorrow. My neighbour likes to mow his lawn like there was no night before.

I used to be Hungarian. I'd only eat food from Hungry Jacks.

I'd like to see a book about some of the less successful graduates from Hogwarts. Like the kid that went on to work for Microsoft, helping people set up Word templates.

I don't have shins, I have two highly sensitive coffee table and tow bar detectors.

On December 17, 1903, air travel was pioneered when Orville Wright
piloted the first powered airplane 20 feet above a wind-swept beach in North Carolina. The flight lasted 12 seconds, covered 120 feet but somehow he still lost all of his luggage.

I snuck into a karate class. They kicked me out.

My favourite super-hero is the guy who got zapped by gamma radiation and subsequently developed cancer. When he gets angry, he just turns a bit red in the face. He's called the Credible Hulk.

Old comedians never die. They just blame the audience.

I wonder if World Vision children in Africa are obliged to stop mid conversation and say "... and now, a word from my sponsor".

Why does Jehovah need witnesses? What charges was he on?

I don't want to do my job 'half-arsed'. So, should I do it with a full arse or with no arse at all?

Singers lose all credibility when they mime. So too, mimes lose all credibility when they sing.

I won't be watching any Christmas movies this year. I'm doing my bit to reduce the threat of Global Heart-Warming.

Why do men bother with unconvincing toupees? They're not fooling anyone. Why don't they just wear a hat with a flashing neon sign that says 'I don't want you to know that I'm bald'?

Perpetual motion is not a myth. The Chinese have known the secret for years. Unfortunately the only practical application for it is to make small gold cat statues in Chinese restaurants look like they are knocking on an invisible door.

One of the least successful Australian ad campaigns of the 90s was the one involving a small furry creature who loved potato chips but also wrote Nazi propaganda for Hitler. He was called the Goebbelsdok.

It's so annoying having to queue up, wait up to ten minutes and pay $3-$4 for a cup of coffee each day. If only someone would invent some kind of cheap 'instant' coffee. I mean, surely there'd be a demand for it.

I hate Christmas advertising on TV and radio. It's jingles all the way.

Explanations for a man holding a purse:
a) If he's standing in a women's clothing store looking uncomfortable it's his girlfriend's.
b) If he's running with it, he's a thief.
c) If the purse matches his shoes, it's his.

Childhood obesity is obviously on the increase. I remember when kids were light enough to be picked up from school in a two wheel drive car.

I don't like to rub it in when I'm proven right, but I just want it on record that since I left school I have never once needed to know the dates of the French Revoultion or work out the length of a side of a triangle or the radius of a circle using pi. And I asked around and the other people in the dole queue with me ...haven't ever needed to know that junk either.

It seems like every time I turn around I get dizzier.

If you hang around rough bars you could end up getting glassed. If you hang around rough cafes you could end up getting mugged.

Sorry kids, but due to global warming, Frosty the Snowman has had to change his name to Sloppy the Puddle.

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a refusal to ask for directions.
Snoring: The perfect solution for men who are sick of only getting in trouble for things they do while they are conscious.

I stayed at a hotel that had a pillow menu. I got drunk and mixed it up with the room service menu. Not only did the pillow I ordered not taste good, but I woke up with a $27 toasted sandwich stuck to my head.

People who act 'holier than thou' really give me a pain. I suffer from arthrighteous.

It's amazing how long people spend shopping for clothes just to end up looking like everyone else.

Christmas makes me yuletired.

While Tintin was very famous in Belgium his sister moved to France and also became very popular. Perhaps you've heard of her. Her name is Cancan.

Bugger! I've left my whinging about Christmas shopping to the last minute AGAIN!

Rather than get you a present for Christmas I bought a goat for an African village. While I feel ethically good about the decision he was a bugger to wrap and cost a fortune to post.

On Boxing Day we commemorate the day the three wise men walked into a shop to find gold, frankincense and myrrh at half the price they paid for it.

When I do something, failure is not an option. It comes as standard.

Ex-Box: A game console designed to take up all your time and force your girlfriend to leave you.

Telemarketers have a lot of hang ups.

I wanted to get organised for 2011 so someone suggested I buy a diary. I did, but I'm not really sure how it's supposed to help. It just seems to be full of some story about a girl hiding from the Nazis.

In 2011 you will finally be able to see me in Full HD - 1920 x 1080. It's my New Year's resolution.

I once fell in love with an agoraphobic, but she wouldn't go out with me.

If metal bands don't rehearse they'll get rusty.

Billionaire: Someone who has a million bills to pay.

I've been wrestling with my conscience lately. It's tough because I look terrible in tights and everyone thinks I'm faking it.

Pillow slip: Accidentally saying an ex-girlfriend's name during pillow talk.

I've never understood why we're not supposed to eat food that's fallen on the floor, but you can dig a carrot out of the dirt, wash it off and it's good to go. Unless you drop it again.

The Christian churches may bring in the most money but it's the Buddhists who have the largest prophet.

The reason cows don't dance is because they have two left feet.

My girlfriend is very high maintenance. At least I think that's the case. She's been seeing a mechanic three nights a week.

Indickheader: Someone who puts on their indicator after they have already changed lanes.

During my appointment yesterday my barber died while having a massive seizure. I'm quite cut up about it.

A leopard can't change his spots. Unless he kept the receipt.

I always know when there's a really fat person stuck behind me on a crowded train. I don't need to look. I just get a gut feeling.

I had a pet rock. It was quite large. I used to carry it with me everywhere. Eventually though, the sad day came when I had to put it down.

I like to go to the crest of a large grassy hill, lay down and curl myself into a ball. You might think that's immature, but that's how I roll.

A friend told me that I should really get glasses. It was a good idea and it did make the beer easier to carry.

Comedians and obstetricians have at least one thing in common. Noone laughs when you stuff up the delivery (Slightly birthday related joke).

My local supermarket was advertising meat as “40% off”. Wouldn't it sound better to say “60% still ok to eat”?

Artistic Flare: A fiery distress signal that, when seen in the sky, indicates someone is stuck in a boring conversation at a gallery opening.

Hobart is a city that never sleeps. It must be. Why else would it look so tired and run down?

I had to get a new smoke alarm. The last one lost its shit when I burnt my toast. I was worried it wouldn't cope at all if there was a real fire.

People with contagious diseases make me sick!

Throughout history there's been many famous stories of lost love and break ups, but none as sad as the one that began with the words "Look honey, I've invented the toilet seat".

The fitness industry is full of products that don't deliver on their promise. The worst example is the supposed 'exercise' book I bought at the newsagent. Completely blank! What a rip-off.

Girls, never fill yourself with prawn and minced pork and wrap yourself in fried or boiled noodle dough. Trust me, you don't want to get a reputation as a won-ton woman.

Australia: A land of sweeping generalisations.

Money makes the world go pear-shaped.

Mexican Standoff: The well advised human exclusion zone around someone who has eaten a lot of burritos.

All the world's a stage and we are merely players. But the director is useless, the storyline's ridiculous and I'm pretty sure the audience is bored and wondering when it will end.

I'm not sure about the new self-serve checkouts at the supermarkets. It's just not the same calling myself 'darl' and squashing my own bread and potato chips.

Oh what a tangled web we weave when we pull on the cables behind the TV.

I never have disposable income, but I have plenty that's biodegradable. Sometimes it evaporates right out of my wallet.

I couldn't see the optometrist on Monday. So he gave me some glasses.
News coverage on Sunrise has been downgraded to a Kochegorie 3. The hype's been reduced but there's still the risk the dickhead will linger for days.

Zumbie - A slow moving, groaning creature created by fad dance/aerobic classes. Also known as 'The Unfit'.

Not many people know that thanks to the advent of online shopping more bulls now own nice dinner sets.

At work they told me I'm a 'real gun'. I was flattered until I realised that they just meant I was likely to be fired.

There's no shortage of experts in the world but I have no idea where they come from because I've never once met a pert.
Having all my stuff on high shelves really keeps me on my toes.

Remembrance Day

November 11 2008 marks the 90th anniversary of the end of World War 1, the war to end all wars.

We are brought up to respect this day and honour all those soldiers who lost their lives in battle defending our freedom. And rightly so.

Unfortunately Armistice Day didn’t end all wars. The wars kept happening and even more disturbing is that the number of civilian casualties in subsequent wars has increased exponentially.*

In WW1 the percentage of civilian deaths was 47% of total casualties.
In WW2 the percentage of civilian deaths was around 56%
The Vietnam War saw civilian deaths of at least 50% (some estimate many more)
The first Gulf War saw at least 4 times the number of civilian casualties over military deaths. (400%)
The current Iraq War has seen civilian deaths outweigh military deaths by at least 10 to 1.**

In Australia we celebrate ANZAC Day and Remembrance Day every year and have the image of the Aussie ‘digger’ planted firmly into our consciousness. Parades are held and ceremonies conducted. RSL clubs all over the country have a one minute silence every day to remember the fallen.

I find it interesting that governments have never proposed the idea of a day to commemorate civilian deaths resulting from war. The millions of innocent men, women and children who were and are terrorized, bombed and shot while just going about their day to day routine, killed in markets, schools, temples, in their homes and on the streets.

We console ourselves by thinking of them as ‘the enemy’. Faceless people in far off places. I have heard people say things like “You can’t make an omelette without breaking a few eggs”. How would we feel if thousands of Australians were killed in the streets or in their schools by an invading force?

We honour our soldiers and herald them as heroes for their sacrifice. But what of the civilians? You’d think that so many millions who have innocently died as a result of war would deserve at least one minute of silence if not a day of remembrance. Or would that make us face the realities of combat and make us reluctant to follow our leaders into the next battle zone?

Lest We Forget.

*While there is always historical debate about casualty numbers I have taken averages from a number of sources which even after debate still point to a marked increase in the percentage of civilian deaths.
**Some will argue that this is the result of a different form of warfare since World War 1 and is caused by militants using human shields and hiding in civilian areas. But they also claim to have far more accurate weaponry which is supposedly designed to minimize civilian deaths.

Democracy works...

What a relief. Obama won. The people came out and the votes were counted. My fears were completely unfounded.

America will have a new president in January.

So now everyone can relax.

I can relax too and I have two months to sit and ponder a few things. Like what will happen to Iraq? How will the terrorists react to a new president? Where is Osama Bin Laden? Will the Patriot Act be repealled? Will the prisoners in Guantanamo Bay be released? Will the Wall Street crooks be punished for their irresponsibility? Will the oil companies give up on controlling the oil in Iran? Will Bush, Cheney, Rumsfeld and Powell be held accountable for lying about the weapons of mass destruction? Or is 'change' just a catchy campaign slogan?

I'm sure everything will be just fine.

Late Mail

9.20am Australian EDST

The 2008 US election is a very strange affair.

The Republicans, who in the past have demonstrated no mercy when it comes to elections have completely failed to come up with a last minute attack on Obama. No Bin Laden videos, no Swift Boat revelations, no dark secrets being uncovered. What could this mean? Bush and Cheney have proven themselves almost tyrannical leaders that don't take defeat easily. They haven't even finished their mission to control the Middle East, so what is going on?

Three options:
a) They have finally admitted defeat in the face of public opposition and will concede a landslide victory to Obama.

b) They want Obama to win because he has quietly agreed to continue their imperialistic agenda for them.

or

c) They are about to unleash the biggest and most ruthless voter fraud ever and steal the election for McCain fully expecting mass rioting and chaos that they can bring under control with their new, but untested Martial Law legislation. The FEMA detention camps could finally get their first tenants.

Let's hope the answer is a)

See you on the other side.

Updates below

I've added some updates and links to my previous post "Looking Into My Cynical Ball". If only I could predict the Melbourne Cup as accurately.

False Economy

I’ve stated many times that I’m not very good with money. I’ve never understood the money market, banks or economics. One of the biggest barriers to my understanding was always that making money from interest, property investments, speculation and shares didn’t seem to make sense to me. There didn’t seem to be any explanation for where all the money would come from to fund all this ‘growth’. It all seemed like a dodgy magic trick. How do you make money from nothing? Physics tells us that matter cannot be destroyed it can only change form. Economics seemed to be based on the completely opposite principle, that is, more money can be created from less money. And so I resigned myself to the fact that greater minds than mine were obviously in control and I just felt stupid and avoided getting involved.

Now, as most of the world heads into recession it is revealed that the cause of the crisis was financial wizards who thought they could make money from nothing, selling bad loans as if they were worth something and convincing people to live beyond their means. It turns out the money to fund all this wasn’t actually there. Unbelievable! I was right. How is that possible?

If I, who know nothing about economics, could see a basic flaw in the system, how is it that all of the bankers, financial advisors, treasurers, economists, investors and stockbrokers in the world didn’t see this coming? Surely, anyone with a basic understanding of the system would have known this was going to happen. Surely the risk managers and insurance brokers would have a plan in place for such an eventuality. Apparently not. Everyone seems to have been blindsided by this. Could the entire worldwide financial industry really be that short sighted and stupid?

And even scarier is the response from governments around the world. A total knee jerk reaction throwing billions of dollars into a financial black hole. Each weekend a new ‘bailout’ package is proposed and the stock market jumps on Monday. Then on Tuesday it all falls again because the money isn’t really fixing the problem it’s just trying to stop people panicking. But does anyone ask where all these billions of dollars are going? I’m willing to bet it’s going into someone’s pockets and it won’t be the people who are losing their homes.

The US bailout package was fascinating. In order to get it through congress the bill evolved from a three page document outlining the allocation of funds to bolster the banking industry to a 450 page bill with hundreds of add-on deal sweeteners to win over voting congressmen. Sweeteners like tax breaks for makers of wooden arrows for children and tax breaks for motor racing tracks. Nothing to do with the bailout, just bribes to get the bill passed. And it worked.

Even crazier is that the bailout didn’t pay out the bad mortgages which were at the heart of the problem but rather the US government bought the debts which still have to be paid off. Effectively they are buying bad loans. If I’m not mistaken, it was the selling of bad loans that caused this mess in the first place? Clearly those ‘greater minds than mine’ have it under control.

So now governments everywhere are buying stakes in banks and centralising regulations. The ‘free market’ proponents and politicians who always argue that government should not interfere with business are clamouring for government help and taxpayer dollars and they’re not even pausing to feel like total hypocrites, even for a second.

How could all of these people really have been unaware of this crisis? How could people whose business it is to make money from this system really be caught short? How could a world banking system that has existed for hundreds of years drop the ball so badly? The only logical answer is that they didn’t drop the ball. They weren't unaware. The people in the know and who saw this coming won’t be losing their houses. They will be rolling in billions of dollars from taxpayer bailouts and clever accounting loopholes. They will rake in the money that everyone else is losing. They will gain power and profits from a new monetary system that will be hastily created to ‘avoid this happening again’ and they will get to work on the next big financial scam that will rob the world of any wealth it has left. Sound cynical and ridiculous? Well, what would I know? I don’t understand economics.

Money Money Money

The US financial market is in meltdown but Bush and his mates are coming to the rescue.

The proposed bailout is currently $700 Billion dollars. It has been said that the full extent of the bailout could extend to one trillion dollars. No biggie? To put the difference between a million, a billion and a trillion in perspective:

A million seconds is 12 days.
A billion seconds is 31 years.
A trillion seconds is 31,688 years.

and...



A trillion is a LOT of money, but one trillion is nothing when you realise that the US national debt is curently over $9.5 Trillion and the day before September 11, 2001 Donald Rumsfeld confessed that the Pentagon couldn't account for $2.3 Trillion dollars.

I'm not quite sure how a country that is in debt to the tune of $9.5 Trillion and that 'misplaced' $2.3 Trillion is able to bail out bankrupt businesses for another trillion.

I think I need a new bank manager.

I guess we'll wait and see what happens but by my calculations none of this adds up. The only thing I remember from accounting class at high school was that if something comes out of the credit column it must show up in the debit column which means the money has to go somewhere. My question is whose pockets did the $9.5 trillion dollars go into?

P.S. Do you suppose this massive financial crisis could lead to a suspended election? (see my previous post)

Looking Into My Cynical Ball

ORIGINALLY POSTED August 14, 2008

Two posts in a week? What is going on?

I thought I’d take this opportunity to lock in some predictions for the future. I don’t claim to be a prophet or psychic, but I am a cynic. I also don’t claim to be an economic or political expert but quite a few of my previous predictions have come true so I thought I would put my current forecasts on the record backed up only by a hunch and a creepy feeling of history repeating.

The optimistic side of my brain hopes I’m wrong but here’s what I reckon will unfold over the next few years.

The economic slump I predicted in Australia is unfolding (I was a year off. I said 2007). This will see house prices slowing or falling and many in the mortgage belt going to the wall thanks to massive debts they were encouraged to take on over the last 10 years (anyone want to buy a second-hand plasma TV?). The rich, of course will be fine. The good news is that Today Tonight will have plenty of Aussie battlers being thrown out of their homes to report on. You might also see some great bargains on flats and apartments as people give up their investment properties.

We will see swings to the Liberals in most states (like the recent NT elections) and the upcoming WA election might just go to the Libs even with the recent change of leader.
****UPDATE - Labor has been ousted after a very close election****


The Rudd government will not be able to do much about the slowing economy that they have inherited. The mining boom will slow once China demands cheaper iron ore. ***UPDATE Read this story.
Closer to the next Federal election Peter Costello will emerge from his convenient exile (who was it that encouraged everyone to borrow and spend?) and claim that he can rescue the economy as it was running well while he was in control. He will become leader if he can push Malcolm Turnbull’s ego out of the way.
****UPDATE - .Peter Costello has stepped out of contention and Malcolm Turnbull has taken over the leadership of the Liberal opposition. As I predicted, Mr Costello will wait for Malcolm to become unpopular and will throw his hat back into the ring closer to the election.****

We will see an increasing push for the creation of an Asian Pacific Union, much like the EU. Possibly the tough economic times will be used as an excuse for this but get ready for a combined currency (probably starting with a merger with NZ). ***UPDATE: I've since found evidence that this plan is already underway but in its early stages.

Fuel prices will steady for a short while until everyone calms down and then in six months or so another war or disaster in the Middle East will force the price up again to $2 a litre. Everyone will freak out but will feel better when it drops back to $1.80 even though its 30c more than we were paying before the crisis. (Sound like a familiar scenario? It’s the same pattern we’ve seen for the last 20 years.)

The climate change problem will be magically fixed once Carbon Taxes are successfully introduced. (You don’t think they really want you to stop using fossil fuels do you?) The words ‘climate change’ will disappear from our TVs and we’ll go about our lives just like we did after the nuclear threat in the 80s and the Greenhouse fears of the early 90s. And what did ever happen to SARS and the Avian Flu?

The US elections will go one of two ways. If Barack Obama gets elected there will, no doubt, be an assassination attempt on him. A couple of people have already been arrested on suspicion of trying this and God knows that in America, gun-toting nutcases are seldom a ‘one-off, isolated case’. ***UPDATE It's started Not sure which way this will swing the election.

The other possible eventuality (and this is for the hardcore cynics) is that the US election will be postponed or canceled due to some kind of national emergency that will require Mr Bush to declare martial law and test out the Patriot Act and new continuance of government legislation. No doubt the emergency will involve domestic terrorists or a biological threat that will blamed on Russia or Iran and conveniently give them an excuse to invade and take control of some more major oil supplies. ***UPDATE: The US got to have its election and Obama is still alive.

The bad news is, even if Obama gets through unscathed Iran will still be attacked based on some hyped up nuclear threat. He has already pretty much admitted that he’s happy to attack. ***UPDATE: There is unlikely to be any change in US policy towards Iran.

Also get ready for a major change on the internet. New, faster services will get introduced but they will only give you access to ‘approved’ or monitored websites. This will be brought in under the guise of protecting children from paedophiles and pornography or stopping terrorists after a sudden spate of ‘shocking’ incidents.
***UPDATE: It's worse than I thought. They are going to censor the net and not even give us the faster speeds as a trade off.
Emails will be subject to surveillance and will possibly become a charged service requiring the purchase of a virtual ‘stamp’. (There is speculation about this in IT circles and my next blog will address privacy issues of the future)

On the positive side, the emerging trend of ‘buying locally’ and farmers’ markets will continue to grow and communities will start to band together again out of necessity. Tough economic times bring people together and reset our priorities. See? it ain’t all bad.

So there you go. Let’s hope I’m wrong. I’m happy to be so. I will post links to evidence on each of these points as they either unfold or become unfounded.

Stay tuned.

The Devil Went Down to Georgia

Once again I have to apologise for my slackness in posting to my blog. My writing efforts have been recently redirected to other projects and the poor old blog has suffered as a consequence.

In lieu of new blog articles I’ve decided to at least keep the blog active by posting links to interesting news articles that might otherwise slip under the radars of most people. I get the feeling that some very interesting times are ahead with an imminent economic downturn and a looming US election. Rather than editorialising about my views and predictions I’ll leave it up to you to put the pieces together.
Enjoy:

While the world is watching the gold medals being given out in Beijing there is actually other stuff happening around the world.

There’s this report from the news.com.au:
http://www.news.com.au/story/0,23599,24166750-401,00.html

But then there’s this from Russian news:
http://www.russiatoday.com/news/news/28824

But what’s really going on I wonder?:
http://www.voanews.com/english/2008-08-11-voa65.cfm

Then, to really get the brain going there’s this. It isn’t a news article but rather, an interesting observation by a gamer. Curiouser and curiouser.
http://www.abovetopsecret.com/forum/thread380280/pg1

Of course it wouldn’t be the first time an event was pre-empted by writers:
http://www.plaguepuppy.net/public_html/Lone%20Gunmen/The_Lone_Gunmen_Episode_1.htm

Strange days indeed.

Tempted By The Apple

OK. Enough already. I’m sick of hearing about how it changed your life. I’m sick of hearing about how great it is. I’m sick of having it rammed down my throat. I’m sick of having to justify my beliefs to you. I’m sick of the stickers on the back of your cars. Praise it all you want. Worship what you like. Stop trying to convert me. For the final time, I’m saying it to everyone. I do not want to buy a Mac computer!

Forget religion and politics. If you really want to start an argument, tell a Mac user that you prefer your PC.

They can’t believe it. Why wouldn’t I want to be saved? Why would I want to spend eternity being frustrated by a clunky operating system and a looking at a user interface that isn’t ‘pretty’? Why wouldn’t I want to be ‘cool’ like everyone else? Has the Dark Lord Bill Gates taken my soul?

No. I just don’t want to buy a Mac. It’s that simple and I refuse to be swayed by what I call “The Mac Delusion”.

The Mac has become the choice of the hip and the powerful. It has become quite an elitist tool, which I find weird because Apple, the company, was started by hippies with good intentions to create a better computer. They were the repressed underdogs battling to keep their faith under the weight of the IBM and Microsoft oligarchy. They had a small but loyal following that remained faithful. Then gradually, over time, new Mac shops started appearing. The salespeople became slicker and more charismatic. The old OS was given a new, more accessible look. Suddenly thousands started flocking to the Mac. A new generation of followers, lured by shiny new cases and groovy interfaces was born. Visions of Macs were mysteriously appearing around the world on TV shows and in movies. Computers were becoming cool. This created a new type of computer user, a new social phenomenon; the fundamentalist Mac user. They are dogmatic. The awe and wonder they bestow upon their machines and their constant need to try and convert ‘non-believers’ borders on the fanatical. Their faith cannot be swayed. They believe they have the one true platform and all others are to be denied. But it does seem to cost them a lot of money.

I always question why Mac users have to give so much money to Apple. They tell me it’s so that Apple can continue its good work. They happily pay the money because the Mac works so well for them. Sure they work. You pull it out of the box, plug it in and there it is, ready to go. The all-in-one solution. And so it bloody should work? This isn’t a miracle, it’s a reasonable expectation. My friends who have ‘seen the light’ and converted to the Mac always have the same story. After battling unhappiness with their PCs for many years the Mac offered them ease and simplicity, peace of mind.
Fair enough, but not one of them stopped to realise that they only spent $1000 on their PC and just spent $2500 on their Mac. The truth is, if they spent the same money on a PC, it would work too. And if you only use Microsoft programs on your PC it will stay stable as well. But people don’t. When they buy a PC they abuse it and treat it badly. They fill it with sins. Downloaded games, cracked and pirated software, shareware and four billion email attachments. No wonder it jacks up and flips you the blue screen bird.

When people finally buy a Mac they treat it much better. They have to. They can only get certified programs to run on it and it costs them a fortune. Buying into a Mac means shutting out all that bad stuff so it never gets in. The computer remains pure. But it automatically denies alternatives. What if there are better ideas out there? Why close yourself off from all other programs? Who says you have all the computing solutions? Do you really want to live in your ‘safe’ little world forever?

‘Oh, but you can run Windows on a Mac now’ is the automatic defence. You can? Wow. I can run Windows on my PC too. What’s your point?

To be fair, the PC isn’t a perfect solution either. I, like most PC users, think Bill Gates deserves to spend eternity in the fires of Hell being taunted by a giant paper clip that just keeps saying ‘it looks like you are trying to write a letter…’

For now I’m happy in the PC world. I have no need to convert and at the end of the day I just want a computer to do the tasks I want it to do. It doesn’t need to look cool or be ‘fun for the kids’ and it certainly shouldn’t keep costing me money. It just needs to do the job. If you want a fashion accessory, buy a purse. But please stop trying to convince me that I need to spend thousands of dollars to do the same thing I’m doing now, but look cooler doing it.

So make up your own mind. Don’t be lured just because someone tells you there is an ‘easier’ or ‘better’ way. Compute your way. And remember, the reason we are all here, in this mess in the first place, is because Eve was tempted by an Apple.

Think Outside the Ballot Box

It’s election week. That special time, once every three years, when we get to wield our democratic power in a cardboard booth with a little pencil. However, deciding who to vote for is never easy. Elections can be very confusing and a bit boring. Let’s face it, making politics interesting is like trying to make Jesus ‘cool’ for teenagers. Many try but it only ends up being awkward for everyone. So, in an effort to help you sort through the rhetoric I have written a straight forward glossary to explain some of the more common political terms and hopefully give you a solid understanding of how it all works.

Poll: What bogan girls dance on to get fit.
Election: What may result from watching the girls on the poll.
Vote: What you do to keep contestants in reality TV shows.
Informal Vote: Wearing shorts to the polling place.
Debate: What politicians use to lure voters onto de-hook.
Campaign: What politicians drink to celebrate after they win.
Candidate: The person you don’t recognise who is standing next to Kevin or John on your How to Vote card.
Mandate: Political prerogative, so called because it is like going on a date with a chauvinist man, that is, you’re stuck with someone who makes all the decisions whether you like them or not.
Interest Rates: A numerical index to represent people’s interest in politics. Historically the higher the index, the more people are interested in what the government does. When the index is low people will be more interested in their big screen TVs.
Prime Minister: A minister that can only be divided evenly by one and itself.
Treasurer: The person responsible when the economy is going well.
International Financial Pressure: The thing responsible when the economy is going bad.
Inflation: The increase in self esteem the Treasurer feels when the economy is going well.
Government: The people who run the country.
Big Business: The people who run the Government.
Opposition: Identical to the government except for the banner they stand in front of.
Parliament: 70s funk band.
Parliament House: Type of dance music remixed from 70s funk tracks.
Trade Union Movement: The noise in the cupboard that Kevin Rudd doesn’t want you to hear.
Labor Party: The spelling indicates that it is not to be confused with ‘work’. Labor is a party with no time for ‘U’.
Liberal Party: Spelling is also important here. The big ‘L’ means the word is opposite to its normal meaning. This party is also Honest, Fair and Good for the country.
Greens: What your Mum told you to eat if you want to be big and strong. They probably are good for you but they make a pretty lightweight meal on their own.
Democrats: Mythical party who some believe still exists. The name is derived from the equally mythical term ‘democracy’.
Independent: Someone who can’t find enough friends to have a party.

Hopefully this has helped clear things up. And, on a personal note, please remember that in some countries people have to fight and die for their right to vote. Your vote is precious and vital. If you waste it, Matt Corby may not win Idol. Please vote now!

Gotta Love It!

Back in April Melbourne comedian Matt Elsbury asked me if I’d like to do a show with him based on love and hate. He very kindly offered me the ‘love’ half of the show as he wasn’t sure that he could get through half an hour without hating something. Because I had just finished a run of my show ‘Happy’, Matt reasonably assumed that I could create a positive half hour to balance his darker comedy. I’m not sure that I am overly qualified to talk about love but I was flattered by his offer and, well, a little drunk, so I said yes. Interestingly this is how a lot of my relationships start.

Such an invitation probably wouldn’t have been extended to me a few years ago. I used to have a tendency to be cynical about many things. I was even cynical about being cynical, after all, what does it really achieve? But these days I have come to terms with a lot of the frustrations that used to plague me. I have learned to accept that which I cannot change. But that doesn’t mean that I don’t have questions.

Everyday there are more things to puzzle about . Questions that keep me up at night and need to be answered. For example:

1. Are my friends who aren’t registered on Facebook still my friends?
2. If there are more cars on the road every year why do service stations keep closing down?
3. Why is flavoured water cheaper than plain bottled water and how can a toothbrush cost more than a broom?
4. Who are all the naked girls on the internet? There are literally thousands of them (I checked) but no-one seems to know them. Are they like Liberal voters, no-one will admit to it, but clearly someone does it?
5. Who honestly has 5000 songs they like enough to put in their iPod?
6. Why would anyone buy a $10,000 ‘outdoor kitchen’ when they could just as easily buy a neon sign that says “I’m a massive wanker with far too much money!”
7. Does the crap on TV really need to be seen in high definition?
8. Is there a broadcasting regulation that insists all breakfast radio shows must make ‘crazy calls’?
9. How many scrapbooking stores does a society need?
10. Will “Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader?” be followed up by “Can You Go to the Toilet by Yourself?”

I think these are reasonable questions and I’d like to think that someone has the answers. If you can help, come to our show and fill me in.

I used to have a lot of questions about love too. I think we all probably do. What is love? Where do you find it? Should I ask for a receipt? And the answers aren’t always simple. It wasn’t until Matt asked me to write material about love that I had the chance to really evaluate it all and come to terms with what love really means to me.

While writing I realised that love is actually a lot like stand-up comedy. It can be scary, it can make you feel fantastic or terrible, it might make you laugh or it might make you cringe. If you mess it up people will throw things at you but if you do it right you will be adored. It’s better with lots of people in the room and of course you need a spotlight and microphone… OK maybe I’ve pushed the analogy a bit far.

But whether you are looking for love, have found love, thought you’d lost love but then realised it had just fallen behind the couch. Whether you remember Jackie Love or Courtney Love, spell love L-U-V or simply hate love, come along to LOVE & HATE and have a laugh at love with me.

P.S. If you do know anyone who is naked on the internet, bring them along too.

Gavin can be seen with Matt Elsbury in LOVE & HATE, 8pm, Wednesday Nov 28 – Saturday Dec 1 at Glitch Bar & Cinema, 318 St Georges Rd, Nth Fitzroy. Tickets are available at the door for $15 Full /$12 concession. More info at www.gavinbaskerville.com or www.mattelsbury.com

The Prime Minister must be a drug dealer.

I read with interest Piers Akerman’s editorial yesterday on News.com.au defending the government’s handling of the farcical Haneef case.

Piers seems to think that it is important that we are tough on terrorism and therefore should detain, accuse and smear the name of innocent people in the interests of public safety. After all, rumours and hearsay are clearly enough to allow the minister to revoke a person’s visa.

I’m glad Piers thinks that way and I hope he doesn’t mind when the police arrive to arrest him and the Prime Minister. After all, Piers Akerman, by his own logic, is a drug dealer and the Prime Minister and Peter Costello must also be drug dealers.

You see there are rumours that Mr Akerman did cocaine in the 80s and continues to today. These are of course rumours, but were recorded in Hansard. That is more than enough evidence to detain him surely? If Piers has possessed cocaine he has no doubt been in contact with a drug dealer and more than likely given that dealer money. That’s material support for drug dealing. So Piers won’t mind if we now call him a ‘suspected drug dealer’.

By his own admission Mr Akerman is in regular contact with both the PM and Treasurer:

“ Well I'm interested in your perception that I'm seen as close to John Howard, as I speak regularly, far more regularly, with the Treasurer than I do with the Prime Minister.” (Full transcript here.)

So if Mr Akerman is a suspected drug dealer we’d better haul in Mr Howard and Mr Costello too as they must know something about Mr Akerman’s drug dealing.

And please Mr Kevin Andrews, do the right, moral thing and revoke their passports and defame them in public at every opportunity. It is only fair.

Freedom…? That’s a furniture store isn’t it?

When I was a kid I didn’t know a lot about politics and the way it all worked, but I did know one thing. There was one indisputable fact that could be used to justify any annoyance that I wished to perpetrate on my siblings. I could stand where I wanted, could make whatever noise I wanted and I could follow or parrot whoever I wanted all with the one simple, straight forward defence, ‘it’s a free country’. We all seemed to believe and accept that fact and it was probably reasonably true back then. However, recent events in Australia may set a precedent that could remove the basic rights of children. It may no longer be possible for them to be annoying little brats under the ‘free county’ defence.

The events I am referring to are those surrounding Dr Haneef who has been detained in Queensland and charged with ‘recklessly’ providing material support to terrorists. The terrorists in question are the seemingly incompetent ‘bombers’ in London and Glasgow who obviously had more money than mathematical ability when they put petrol bombs into a Mercedes Benz and a Jeep Cherokee hoping to cause massive damage, death and terror. The plot failed. Nobody was killed and the only injury was to the driver of the ‘car bomb’. Terror experts said that there was little chance that the bombs could have caused anything more than a big fireball and it is laughable to compare them to the car bombs in Iraq.

So some guys planned and executed a failed attack. That’s enough to put themselves into a lot of trouble I’m sure. But what is going on with Dr Haneef? Dr Haneef is related to two of the arrested ‘bombers’, the driver of the Jeep Cherokee, Kafeel Ahmed and Sabeel Ahmed who is charged with foreknowledge. Dr Haneef has admitted to sharing a house with his cousin and when he left London in 2006 he left his pre-paid mobile phone sim card behind as it was of little use in Australia. It is alleged that Ahmed decided to use that sim card as a detonation device inside one of the cars.

Haneef was detained for 12 days without charge and then charged with ‘reckless’ support of terrorists because the AFP had no other evidence against him other than an old sim card. The judge in the case granted Haneef bail but now immigration minister Kevin Andrews has revoked his visa sending him to Villawood Detention Centre. It is bad enough that the AFP trashed Haneef’s home, causing him to be evicted and the charges have left him without a job, but now the Federal Government has stepped in and effectively labelled him a guilty man.

This may be sold by Mr Andrews as being in the public's best interest and to ‘protect’ us but how is side-stepping the basic principles of law ever good for the country? Dr Haneef may possibly be complicit in the attacks but the fact of the matter is that the AFP were not able to provide enough evidence to prove that. They have detained a man for no good reason and however they want to spin it, the truth is Dr Haneef has been assumed guilty with little chance of being found innocent. The damage is done.

The new terror laws on which Dr Haneef has been held fly in the face of freedom and fairness. They set a precedent that would allow any person in Australia to be arrested and detained without charge and for the Federal Government to override the judicial system at their will. These are the sort of unlawful actions that we attacked Saddam Hussein for. The ability to ‘disappear’ any person whom the government deems a threat should never be tolerated.

We are constantly told that the ‘terrorists’ hate our freedoms and want to change our way of life. It seems the government’s answer to that is to get in first and remove our freedoms and change our way of life first so the terrorists can’t. Good thinking!

If only Dr Haneef had thought to use the other great childhood defence. When they accused him of being a terrorist he should have said “I know you are, but what am I?”

Nah! It’s not about the Oil.

Finally, some words of truth from our government.

It seems that according to Brendan Nelson our troops are in Iraq to secure the oil supplies. After all this time the government admits something that we have accused them of all along. Of course Mr Howard is playing down this comment and insisting that our troops are there to support our allies in bringing democracy to Iraq. (Or at least ensuring that there won’t be enough of them left alive to feel oppressed.)

The amazing thing is that people are still siding with Mr Howard on this issue. Some even claiming that we need to secure the oil to avoid rising fuel costs and invading Iraq was justified. But how do you justify an illegal invasion?

Saddam Hussein was an awful dictator and the Iraqi people certainly didn’t deserve to endure his reign. But if it wasn’t for the oil would we have joined the fight to save them? It’s just very lucky for them that their country had something we need. There are many severely oppressed people in nations around the world and we are not in any rush to bring any of them democracy. Why not?

We pretend that we are the ‘good guys’ in Iraq. The media refer to the insurgents there as ‘Al Qaeda’ and ‘terrorists’ but ask yourself what would happen in Australia if a foreign country decided that we needed to be liberated and that our resources needed to be ‘secured’. If we were invaded for our iron ore or gold don’t you think that we would fight back? If our government, army and police were replaced by supporters of the invaders wouldn’t we attempt to unseat them? If the invaders were claiming that they were there to help when it was obvious that they wanted our resources wouldn’t we feel betrayed? If Australian civilians were being slaughtered and written off as collateral damage wouldn’t we be outraged and vengeful? Australia has assisted the U.S. in an unlawful invasion and has aided and abetted the theft of oil. In essence we are international criminals and I won’t be surprised if history views us that way.

For John Howard to pretend that his decision to send troops to Iraq had nothing to do with oil is arrogant and very revealing. Does he really expect us to believe that someone who has been a politician for as long as he has and who is such good friends with George W Bush doesn’t understand the realities of global politics? To believe that Mr Howard is ‘unaware’ of the corrupt nature of the global military machine and the corporate interests in the Middle East is supremely naïve. We are supposed to believe that he honestly thought there were WMDs in Iraq. We are supposed to believe that he honestly thought that the Bali bombings were connected to Saddam Hussein through Al Qaeda and that the U.S. government wasn’t using September 11 to justify pre-planned invasions of Afghanistan and Iraq. If he did believe those things then he is seriously, too stupid to be running our country. If he knew they were lies then he is complicit.

So is Mr Howard stupidly naive or a morally bankrupt liar? I think that is a fair question to ask in an election year. Either way he has a lot of blood on his hands which even his clean image can’t hide forever.

And why aren’t these questions being asked by the media or the opposition?

SPIDER SENSES TINGLING...

Or is it just my bullshit detector? The sudden ‘humanitarian’ decision of the Howard Government to send police and military troops to the Northern Territory Aboriginal communities this week is more than a little suspicious. Such a heavy handed response seems excessive and would never have been tolerated or supported by the Australian public. That is until the issue of child abuse came to light last week.

With the release of one report claiming widespread child abuse in ‘all’ Northern Territory communities the government has launched into action. Not with the provision of counsellors or health officials, but with police officers and soldiers.

If I was a more cynical man I might suggest that ‘child abuse’ was the perfect excuse and cover for the government to begin draconian measures to ‘clean up’ the Aboriginal population. After all, who would oppose measures aimed at stopping ‘child abuse’? Anyone remember 'children overboard'?

One can only speculate on Mr Howard’s true motivations. Perhaps we are due for another visit from the UN who have already been very critical of Australia’s treatment of its indigenous population? But then, that would suggest that the government cares about the UN’s opinion. Why should they? They ignored the UN’s opposition to the invasion of Iraq. And Mr Howard ignored them again when they asked for help in Sudan. So obviously they aren’t trying to help the aboriginal communities for the sake of international appearances.

And then I remembered ‘Gav’s Rule of Australian Politics’ which states that: “Government decisions are only made if someone stands to make a lot of money from said decision”.

I do seem to remember last year there were a lot of whispers about uranium mining and proposals for nuclear energy being floated. Where do they mine uranium? Oh that’s right, the Northern Territory. Why did they have problems mining it there before? Oh yeah, the aboriginal population who own the land opposed the mines.

Northern Territory, uranium mining, aboriginal land owners, child abuse claims, police and military intervention…? I’m not sure how those things could possibly fit together. Do you have any ideas?


Stay tuned.


*** Update! Evidence is surfacing. Read this.

Election Problems?

Oh great! It’s an election year. Once again it’s a complete farce but we are acting like we haven’t seen all this before.

John Howard is a great politician. However, I don’t admire him. In fact I hate him, but there’s no denying that he is a great politician. He knows exactly how to pull the strings and play the system to stay in power which is what politics is all about today.

The techniques the government use to stay in power are as transparent as a newly cleaned glass door. You know the ones. The glass doors you see on Funniest Home Videos that people keep walking into over and over again. Hilarious!

I’ve always believed that you will never go broke telling people what they want to hear. It seems that you will never lose power doing that either. The best bit about Australians is that they don’t even know what it is they want to hear so you can tell them that too.

WHAT YOU TELL THEM: You all should chase the ‘Great Australian Dream’. The ‘Dream’ of owning your own home. What? You don’t have enough money to buy a home? Here’s $7000 to get you going.

WHAT IT MEANS: For a small $7000 investment you have just given your mates in the banking industry a new customer. For $7000 you have convinced someone to take out a $300,000 mortgage. On top of that a new home needs furnishings. There’s an instant $40,000 worth of retail sales straight back into the economy. Nice work!
Suddenly the economy is booming and everyone is happy.

Of course we are talking about The Great Australian Dream and it is a dream. The problem with a dream is that somewhere down the line you have to wake up, probably to the sound of the bank foreclosing on you because you can’t keep up with the interest payments.

Losing your home is a scary prospect so you’ve also conveniently created a new bogeyman to keep people in line. Scare people into thinking that those interest rates that you tied them to may increase with a change of government. They’d better keep you in power. Nice huh? That’s like tying a rock to someone’s feet and dangling them over the edge of a river and then telling them that the ‘bad’ guys want to make the rock heavier, so stick with us.

WHAT YOU TELL THEM: The country needs more babies. Our population is in crisis. Here’s $6000 to have a baby.

WHAT IT MEANS: Babies are great consumers. From food to nappies to strollers and clothes. Once again for every $6000 investment you have instantly injected at least $15000 into the retail sector. Once again the balance sheets look great.

NB. In the past these sort of quick fix plans didn’t work because previously when people needed more money they asked for pay rises which caused inflation. Now we have credit cards and revolving lines of credit thanks to the very generous banking industry. So now all those extra retail sales just go on the credit card. ‘But that doesn’t add up’ I hear you ask and you are correct. Somewhere down the line such a system can’t be sustained, but by the time that happens Mr Howard will be long retired. So why should he care? (My previous post on the subject here)

WHAT YOU TELL THEM: You know that lovely home and child we helped you have? Guess what! Terrorists, Muslims, immigrants and home invaders want to take them away from you.

WHAT IT MEANS: Now you have even more leverage to get people to do what you want. A scared nation is a passive nation. If they are suspicious about their neighbours they won’t have time to be suspicious of you. Better still they will turn to you for protection. You can send troops to illegal wars in Iraq (I thought we had a ‘Defence’ force not an ‘Attack’ force) leaving you with ‘not enough troops’ to save the Sudanese who actually want our help.

WHAT YOU TELL THEM: We liberated East Timor and we are heroes.

WHAT IT MEANS: Now we can steal their oil and keep them poor. (Click here for more info)

WHAT YOU TELL THEM: We as a Government are facing annihilation at the next election.

WHAT IT MEANS: This is a call to arms to the ‘true believers’ (Thanks Paul) to make sure that they stay with you. You don’t want to lose your voter base. Swinging voters are less likely to vote for a party that looks like winning by a landslide and by suggesting that you need all the support you can get the people that voted for you last time may just stay on board and get you across the line. Australians always love an under-dog. Even if that dog has bitten you too many times before.

Mr Howard would never admit defeat so easily. He has more tricks up his sleeve. Over the past ten years he has stealthfully taken control of the government and wielded his influence over the spineless and share-market driven media to create a regime driven by money and conservative values. He may even believe that his ideals are best for the nation but it is far more likely that he is aiming for the history books. If he really had the nation’s interests at heart he’d know that he has stolen from the future to benefit today. When history is written it will show him to be a stubborn, merciless and vengeful leader who pandered to corporate interests to serve his own glory.

Don’t be fooled by a prosperous economy. The ‘trickle down’ effect is a myth and the current economic situation has been achieved by selling off the nation’s assets and future.

Would a Labor government do any better? Probably not. But that is not the point. ‘Better the devil you know’ is no longer an acceptable excuse. That is how John Howard has survived this long. In his acceptance speeches at every election he makes a point to say “I have a mandate to govern”. He doesn’t say “I know you aren’t happy with me, but thanks for voting me in again”. He says “You have just given me permission to do whatever I want. I choose to interpret your votes as support for my policies”. This is arrogant and inherently undemocratic but he gets away with it because we keep voting him in.

At the upcoming election please think carefully about your vote. I don’t care who you vote for but make sure you are voting for the future and not just for short term gains. This economic boom won’t last (It's called a boom for a reason). What happens when things aren’t going so well? There is no such thing as perpetual growth. The slump will come at some stage.

Be smart. Be prepared. Mr Howard won’t be there to hear you crying when you are drowning in debt. He won’t care that he put you there. In fact there’s every possibility that he will deliberately lose the election so that it will be Mr Rudd who has to take the blame.

Never forget that politicians lie. They even lie about the fact that they lie. Don’t trust them to look after your interests. If it sounds too good to be true, then you’re being screwed.

Your vote is all you have left in a diminishing democracy. Use it well.

STUPIDITY IS THE NEW BLACK

My excuse for not writing sooner is that I have been away. I spent a whole month in Melbourne performing at the Comedy Festival.

It was interesting to be back amongst the bustling metropolis of Melbourne. It is a proud city which loves to boast of its events and attractions.

One of Melbourne’s greatest claims is that it is the fashion capital of the Australia. This may be true but, unfortunately, that means Melbourne has now become the stupidest looking capital of Australia.

Today’s fashions are terrible! People love to laugh about what we wore in the seventies and eighties and blush with embarrassment at photos of themselves from those times, but seriously, there will be even more embarrassment in ten years' time from today’s fashion victims. When they look back there will be unprecedented cries of ‘what on earth was I thinking’?

I am not a style guru. I do not design fashion and would probably be considered very conservative in my tastes. But as a member of society I am surrounded by the fashions of today and as someone who has eyes and a bile duct I have to say that it all looks stupid!

For women, mismatching, formless, layered, oversized or severely undersized clothing seems to be the trend. To look cool, take the worst elements of the last thirty years’ fashion (the tackier the better) and just chuck it on. It doesn’t matter what it is as long as you finish the look by having as much of your breasts revealed as possible. Even if you barely have any to show off. If you want proof that the fashion is terrible there it is.

I am a man. I like breasts. I should be happy that they are on show everywhere I look. However, somehow the current looks even make breasts look bad. I never thought that was possible. But they bundle them uncomfortably out of shape or let them go too free or discolour them with fake tan. To a man these are desecrations of our most favourite things.

And it doesn’t stop there. If I’d been told as a teenager that in the future micro mini skirts, no underwear and tiny tops would be a trend I would have invented a time machine in a week (especially seeing as I grew up in the eighties when big, baggy clothes left literally everything to the imagination). But somehow the dream wasn’t realised. There's something disappointingly unsexy about a girl who is constantly readjusting herself and awkwardly trying to keep herself 'decent' in a display which demonstrates exactly why underwear and longer skirts were invented in the first place. And I won’t even mention the impracticality of those styles in cities like Melbourne and Hobart. It certainly gives new meaning to the term ‘frigid’.

I blame Paris Hilton. It’s a shame that she is going to prison for drink driving. She should be going to prison for crimes against fashion. Every dreadful thing she wears seems to fester through the fashion scene until fifteen year old girls everywhere cover themselves (or not cover, as the case may be) with it. I guess we can expect prison overalls to be the next big fashion sensation.

Then we come to the men’s fashion. There was a time when someone like myself could walk into a clothing store and find at least one shirt that wouldn’t make me look like a dickhead. Not any more. Unless you want to look like the latest Big Brother evictee or an R&B star you will never own new clothes again. And even the new clothes aren’t new. Now we are expected to pay hundreds of dollars for jeans that are in worse condition that the old ones you are trying to replace.

The thing that really amazes me is how we as a society buy into fashion. Who comes up with it and how on earth do they convince people that it looks good? We have all looked back on fashions from the past and thought they looked bad. So the question is why did we think it looked good then? Did it really look good then or did it look stupid and were we just brainwashed into thinking that it looked great?

Clearly something very weird is going on. You would think that taste is something inherent to our individual psychologies. But one can only assume that it is not and that it is somehow influenced or conditioned by our environment. The more we see something the more we think it looks ok. Like some kind of hypnotism we accept something which we would have never agreed to before, like wearing ugg boots in public.

If this is true then we are susceptible to anything. We will accept whatever is around us. Hang out with clowns and you will want to look like a clown. And we do look like clowns.

Fashion is a joke. I’m beginning to suspect that there is someone in the world sitting back and laughing ‘Hahahaha. I can’t believe I convinced them to wear that. Let’s see what else they’ll try on’. It is an industry that preys on insecurity and conformity and it will probably be around for ever.

Rush in! The Emperor’s new clothes are now on sale.

Back to the Blog

Oh dear, it has been a very long time since I have added to my blog. I apologise and have no excuse other than focussing all of my writing energies into my upcoming Melbourne International Comedy Festival show “Happy”.

But since my last entry the world has certainly taken some interesting turns many of which deserve comment. So in a vain effort to catch up on world events since November here are my thoughts on a few things:

Global Warming:
You’d think this was a brand new idea the way politicians everywhere are scrambling to make up for lost time and squeeze their way onto the overcrowded bandwagon. The sad thing is that now we have to watch, once again, as a genuine cause is hijacked by corporate and political interests.

None of the politicians really care about the environment. It’s just one more thing to keep us scared and in line. Let’s make everyone feel that it’s their fault that the world is changing. There’s no mention of pollution restrictions on heavy industry or reducing petrol consumption. Instead we are converting to nuclear power and banning light bulbs. Stay tuned for a carbon tax on our own respiration. That’s right, they may just have found a way to tax the air that we breathe.

There is still a lot of arguing going on over this issue, but the problem isn’t global warming and climate change. Whether (weather) humans cause global warming or not is irrelevant. The issue is pollution. The Earth’s climate is always going to change due to forces much larger than us puny humans, but that doesn’t justify the huge amounts of toxins we pump into the air and the water every day. We should be cleaning up our act and reducing our reliance on fossil fuels so that we will have clean water and clean air to breathe and to stop the political bullshit games that are being fought over oil.

The Water Crisis:
There’s water shortages everywhere. Once again the powers that be are trying to scare us. Why? Because there is a push by large corporations (like Bechctel) in countries around the world to privatise the water supply. It’s the perfect industry. Everyone needs water. The last ten years have seen the water supplies around Australia decrease in quality while the bottled water industry flourishes. Coincidence? We have proven that we will pay more for water than petrol so of course someone wants to get a hold of that market.

If water is so scarce where does all the water that is in the millions of plastic bottles on our supermarket shelves come from? Natural springs? I’m afraid not. Have a look at the labels and you’ll see that most of it is ‘purified water’. That’s tap water to you and I. And let’s not mention all the soft drinks available. Where do they get their water from? And even if the water is coming from natural springs why is that able to be sold by private companies. If you have gold or iron ore in the ground under your house you don’t own it, the government does (unfortunate but true) so why is water so different? It’s a resource and if there is such a shortage shouldn’t the government be able to take control of these seemingly endless supplies?

I’ll let you decide.

There is so much more that I need to get off my chest, from Mr Howard’s continued arrogance and hypocrisy to the revival of the terrorist threat, but I shall save my vitriol for a later time. For now I will return to my festival show which ironically is all about finding happiness amongst all this chaos.

Don’t forget to pop in to my new look website and please visit again soon as I promise I will write more often.

Tricky Debates

The Australian Senate this week passed a bill to relax restrictions on therapeutic cloning for stem cell research in Australia.

Understandably the debate that preceded the vote was full of passion, principle and anger. The result has upset some segments of the community and been celebrated by others. I personally can see both sides of this argument and do not begrudge anyone for their views on these very sensitive issues but I do think it is worth keeping a few things in perspective.

We have seen these moral arguments before. Issues such as legalised abortion, euthanasia and even IVF have split political parties and the community. Whatever the particular battle, the argument against these sorts of procedures and research are usually based on the notion that scientists should not ‘play God’.

It is worth remembering at this point that ‘man’ (read: humans, people or whatever word you prefer) has been playing God for a very long time. Since the earliest days of medical experimentation people have been altering nature through the use of drugs and surgery in an attempt to prolong life and improve health. This is effectively ‘playing God’ and was often labelled as such. The truth is that we love ‘playing God’. We do it when we clear-fell forests, when we create pollution, when we divert and dam rivers and especially when we go to war and decide that thousands of innocent people should be killed for the perceived benefit of others. I find it curious that it is often those that condone these sorts of actions who will then argue against ‘playing God’ when it comes to science.

I therefore think that ‘playing God’ should be struck off the ‘valid argument’ list and instead politicians should evaluate issues based on the real or potential damage or benefits that can be gained or lost by new developments in the scientific arena.

Of course there are very strong arguments against the ‘killing’ of embryos for research. It is virtually impossible for consensus to be reached about when life begins and whether that life can be justifiably terminated, but it is pure hypocrisy for a Senator or anyone else to stand up and say that a two week old embryo has a right to life when they themselves have probably eaten meat for lunch. I’m not a vegetarian but I would still find it difficult to morally defend the argument that a human embryo has more right to life than a fully grown cow, fish, chicken or pig.

As humans in the First World we are doomed to hypocrisy. Our moral radars are constantly being recalibrated. Ethics are quickly abandoned in pursuit of a few dollars and we are very good at justifying to ourselves anything that we do.

Our decision makers should be using their consciences to navigate difficult issues but they must be consistent in this. To find a conscience only when it is politically expedient is possibly the most immoral thing a politician can do. I think God would agree.

Sorry for the lack of humour this week. God, embryos, politicians and science should really be a lot funnier. I’ll try harder next time.

Stay tuned.