These are the daily jokes I wrote for Facebook. It was a challenge inspired by Mick Lowenstein. I'm having a break from it for a month. Enjoy!
I think men who get penis extensions are just over-compensating for not having a bigger car.
...And on the eighth day the council looked at all God had created and fined Him for not getting planning approval.
I mistakenly installed an insecurity system in my house. If someone breaks in, there's no alarm, it just says 'It's because I'm fat, isn't it?'
Wanker quote from the future:
"Of course, I was into solar before it became mainstream. It was so much better when it was an alternative energy"
My psychiatrist told me I was a kleptomaniac. I asked if there was anything I could take for it.
Being in a relationship changes the way you see the world. For example, I was watching a weather report and they said 'it's fine' and my immediate response was 'Oh shit! What have I done wrong now?'
If you were wondering, the font sky-writers use is Arial.
Screw science! When I die, I'm leaving my body to social studies.
The reason Chinese whispers always mess up the message is because they are cheaply made and mass produced. For reliability and precision, try German whispers.
Love is when you're head over heals. Lust is when you're heels over head.
Lady Gaga really does have a poker face. It's pointy and I want to shove it in the fire.
Pregnant pause: The few seconds of panic after someone tells you they're pregnant but you're not sure if they want to see your happy face or your concerned face.
I was told that to be successful I should always be setting the bar higher. Terrible advice, from the worst limbo coach ever!
It was the classic Mormon love story. Boy meets girl, boy meets girl, boy meets girl, boy meets girl.
The united push by the fashion industry for hipster jeans was never going to last. Cracks had been appearing for years.
I bought a brand new 4WD and took it out on the road. But as soon as it got over 60kph it started to whistle loudly. I took it straight back to the shop to complain. 'Hey!', I said, 'You told me this was a Hummer'.
If you know someone with an appetite for destruction, you should try my recipe for disaster.
I bought a DVD that boasted 'lots of added extras', but when I watched it, all it had was more people in the background.
Maybe beggars are just buskers who don't like to show off.
There was a mistake on my blood test report. It said my blood was Type 'A' but it was a typo.
A little known album from 1957 was all about a teenage boy and two boring weeks of running errands, copying documents and making coffee for people. It was called 'The Jimi Hendrix Work Experience'.
I don't use battery chargers any more. It's far more ethical to use free range ones.
A leading fashion magazine has finally admitted it is causing young girls to become bulimic. It's changed it's name to The Readers Don't Digest.
I love the green canvas shopping bags. They hold so much more rubbish than those flimsy plastic ones.
You've got to give those people smugglers credit. It can't be easy trying to enter a country with another person hidden up their arse? I'm guessing its the way they'd walk that would give them away.
Half the kids I went to school with went on to become successful capitalists, the other half got really good at formation marching and praising the great leader Kim Il-sung. This was all thanks to the advice we got from our Korea guidance counsellor.
When I had an office job I refused to be just another pencil pusher. I was always trying to push the envelope.
You should never run away from your problems, unless your problems involve marauding killer robots.
Laziness walks in my family.
I grew up in the 80s. At school the other kids would tease me because of my carefully sculpted hairstyle. My mum told me not to worry and that the other kids were just gel-less.
I opened the world's first free range pet shop. It was very successful. The animals were literally walking out the door.
Time waits for no man. But it knows better than to ask a woman to hurry up.
Like many other codes the 'dress code' was invented in WW2 and was created to keep thong and singlet wearing Nazis out of Poland.
It's amazing that Santa Claus got to the age he is without ever working out that he doesn't exist.
When a magician gets fired does he become disillusioned?
I always felt bad for Tonto. Spending all that time with a guy who called himself the 'Lone' Ranger and never taking the hint.
Does imitation leather come from a fake tannery?
Indian actors don't audition for roles in Bollywood films, they have to be born into their parts. It's a traditional 'cast system'.
If you hire cheap lawyers your testimony might be discounted.
Things are bad. I went and saw my accountant and he told me I only have six months to live.
Why would I bother with a gym membership? Thanks to my Catholic upbringing I can feel guilty and inadequate for free.
Thanks to my rose-coloured 3D glasses I remember 'Avatar' being much better than it really was.
As a child I was convinced that I was too big and fat. It all started when I took my imaginary friend to play with me on the see-saw.
I went in for hearing test. I got an
'ay?'
I used to build and fly model airplanes. Once I built a supermodel airplane, but it was no good. When it got to the end of the runway it turned around and went back.
I'm a very lazy psychic. I don't read minds, I wait for the DVD.
Parental advice when I was a kid:
"Just because your friends do it doesn't mean you should. If they all jumped off a cliff..."
Parental advice now that I'm an adult:
"All your friends have settled down and had kids. When are you going to?"
(That cliff's looking quite tempting.)
I got abducted by a blurry photo of a weather balloon.
Interestingly, to do air guitar you never need any Air Supply.
After seeing an ad on TV I decided to pre-plan my funeral. So now I just hope all my friends and family are available on February 18.
I'm an expert at dating women. No matter where they're from, all I need is a core sample and I can tell you exactly how old they are.
People often say "the shit's hit the fan" but few people ever ask "why the hell is shit being propelled in the first place?" After all, is it really that much better if it misses the fan?
I went back to my old primary school last week, but when I got there I suddenly realised I was wearing my pyjamas. It was a dream come true!
My granddad was a beligerent smoker. At his request when he died we had him cremated and his ashes blown into the face of a complete stranger.
I have a mate who's a bikie. Last weekend he was so drunk he went and got a tattoo removed.
I returned to the office to find a large puddle under the receptionist's desk. I asked her if there were any messages for me. She told me that nature called.
If you give money to a crazy American evangelist you are only helping to fund-a-mental Christian.
I got chewing gum stuck on my boot. A small price to pay to stop the annoying guy on the bus who was chewing it at the time.
I bought some expensive perfume but when I got home it smelt like shit. It was then that I realised I'd accidentally bought a bottle of Chanel No.2
Annoying children are a bit like reverse imaginary friends. Everyone else can see and hear them, but their parents don't.
They say a dog is man's best friend. But if you try and do tequila shots with him on his birthday they send the RSPCA around.
I heard Matthew Newton is going to get a sex change and become a woman. He figures if you can't beat 'em, join 'em.
Superman has had to cut back on his flying and using his X-ray vision after he got his super power bill.
That feeling you get when you walk through a craft fair and start feeling like you've seen all this stuff before is called 'decoupage-a-vu'.
I wonder if anyone in Ancient Greece looked at the bronze urns and pottery that now sits in our museums and said 'You know this stuff doesn't biodegrade and will still be here in a thousand years'.
I was always quite mature as a child. While the other kids were afraid of clowns, I was afraid of political satirists.
Nanotechnology: Any device that, when you try and explain it to your grandmother, makes her respond with a blank stare and an unconvincing "oh."
Things are hectic. I've postponed the first day of the rest of my life until next Thursday.
Only after the last tree has been cut down, only after the last river
has been poisoned, only after the last fish has been caught, only then
will the white man ask... "I wonder what Native Americans taste like?"
Inkling: The suspicious feeling you're being massively ripped off when you buy a printer cartridge.
I saw a dead cat on the road. It's a tragic irony that cats are given nine lives, but they aren't given the ability to keep count.
I wanted to go on an ocean cruise but, for safety reasons, they wouldn't let me on the ship. They claimed my lips were too loose.
I entered an Irish dancing competition. I won it hands down.
As a kid, all my friends were as clumsy as me. We'd often have slip-over parties.
I know this guy who's a marionette. It's awkward because I don't know him very well, but he's just asked me to help him move.
I'm a martial artist. I like to paint a portrait of someone and then roundhouse kick them in the head.
Doctors Without Borders have to buy their books at Angus & Robertson.
The phenomenon of beached whales started when a bunch of hippie humpbacks decided that it would be an amazing spiritual experience to go 'running with humans'.
I took my American mate down to the beach but he got attacked by seagulls. It kinda ruined his holiday. Poor Chip.
One of the greatest inventions in history was the Gutenberg Press. It revolutionised the process of churning out cheap scripts for Police Academy sequels
Now that I'm engaged people ask me if I'm worried that 50% of marriages end in divorce. To be honest, I'm more worried about the 50% that end in death.
If Ikea doesn't want me to curse them, they shouldn't make me use a hex-key.
I'm a realist. I never ask kids what they want to be when they grow up. I ask “What do you want to regret that you never did when you grow up?”
They say cleanliness is next to Godliness. So, all you need to align yourself with the omnipotent being that created and controls the infinite universe, is a bottle of Spray & Wipe and a couple of Chux wipes.
I couldn't understand why they would call a magazine "Who". But it finally made sense when I looked through a copy and didn't recognize any of the people in it.
I like to party like there's no tomorrow. My neighbour likes to mow his lawn like there was no night before.
I used to be Hungarian. I'd only eat food from Hungry Jacks.
I'd like to see a book about some of the less successful graduates from Hogwarts. Like the kid that went on to work for Microsoft, helping people set up Word templates.
I don't have shins, I have two highly sensitive coffee table and tow bar detectors.
On December 17, 1903, air travel was pioneered when Orville Wright
piloted the first powered airplane 20 feet above a wind-swept beach in North Carolina. The flight lasted 12 seconds, covered 120 feet but somehow he still lost all of his luggage.
I snuck into a karate class. They kicked me out.
My favourite super-hero is the guy who got zapped by gamma radiation and subsequently developed cancer. When he gets angry, he just turns a bit red in the face. He's called the Credible Hulk.
Old comedians never die. They just blame the audience.
I wonder if World Vision children in Africa are obliged to stop mid conversation and say "... and now, a word from my sponsor".
Why does Jehovah need witnesses? What charges was he on?
I don't want to do my job 'half-arsed'. So, should I do it with a full arse or with no arse at all?
Singers lose all credibility when they mime. So too, mimes lose all credibility when they sing.
I won't be watching any Christmas movies this year. I'm doing my bit to reduce the threat of Global Heart-Warming.
Why do men bother with unconvincing toupees? They're not fooling anyone. Why don't they just wear a hat with a flashing neon sign that says 'I don't want you to know that I'm bald'?
Perpetual motion is not a myth. The Chinese have known the secret for years. Unfortunately the only practical application for it is to make small gold cat statues in Chinese restaurants look like they are knocking on an invisible door.
One of the least successful Australian ad campaigns of the 90s was the one involving a small furry creature who loved potato chips but also wrote Nazi propaganda for Hitler. He was called the Goebbelsdok.
It's so annoying having to queue up, wait up to ten minutes and pay $3-$4 for a cup of coffee each day. If only someone would invent some kind of cheap 'instant' coffee. I mean, surely there'd be a demand for it.
I hate Christmas advertising on TV and radio. It's jingles all the way.
Explanations for a man holding a purse:
a) If he's standing in a women's clothing store looking uncomfortable it's his girlfriend's.
b) If he's running with it, he's a thief.
c) If the purse matches his shoes, it's his.
Childhood obesity is obviously on the increase. I remember when kids were light enough to be picked up from school in a two wheel drive car.
I don't like to rub it in when I'm proven right, but I just want it on record that since I left school I have never once needed to know the dates of the French Revoultion or work out the length of a side of a triangle or the radius of a circle using pi. And I asked around and the other people in the dole queue with me ...haven't ever needed to know that junk either.
It seems like every time I turn around I get dizzier.
If you hang around rough bars you could end up getting glassed. If you hang around rough cafes you could end up getting mugged.
Sorry kids, but due to global warming, Frosty the Snowman has had to change his name to Sloppy the Puddle.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a refusal to ask for directions.
Snoring: The perfect solution for men who are sick of only getting in trouble for things they do while they are conscious.
I stayed at a hotel that had a pillow menu. I got drunk and mixed it up with the room service menu. Not only did the pillow I ordered not taste good, but I woke up with a $27 toasted sandwich stuck to my head.
People who act 'holier than thou' really give me a pain. I suffer from arthrighteous.
It's amazing how long people spend shopping for clothes just to end up looking like everyone else.
Christmas makes me yuletired.
While Tintin was very famous in Belgium his sister moved to France and also became very popular. Perhaps you've heard of her. Her name is Cancan.
Bugger! I've left my whinging about Christmas shopping to the last minute AGAIN!
Rather than get you a present for Christmas I bought a goat for an African village. While I feel ethically good about the decision he was a bugger to wrap and cost a fortune to post.
On Boxing Day we commemorate the day the three wise men walked into a shop to find gold, frankincense and myrrh at half the price they paid for it.
When I do something, failure is not an option. It comes as standard.
Ex-Box: A game console designed to take up all your time and force your girlfriend to leave you.
Telemarketers have a lot of hang ups.
I wanted to get organised for 2011 so someone suggested I buy a diary. I did, but I'm not really sure how it's supposed to help. It just seems to be full of some story about a girl hiding from the Nazis.
In 2011 you will finally be able to see me in Full HD - 1920 x 1080. It's my New Year's resolution.
I once fell in love with an agoraphobic, but she wouldn't go out with me.
If metal bands don't rehearse they'll get rusty.
Billionaire: Someone who has a million bills to pay.
I've been wrestling with my conscience lately. It's tough because I look terrible in tights and everyone thinks I'm faking it.
Pillow slip: Accidentally saying an ex-girlfriend's name during pillow talk.
I've never understood why we're not supposed to eat food that's fallen on the floor, but you can dig a carrot out of the dirt, wash it off and it's good to go. Unless you drop it again.
The Christian churches may bring in the most money but it's the Buddhists who have the largest prophet.
The reason cows don't dance is because they have two left feet.
My girlfriend is very high maintenance. At least I think that's the case. She's been seeing a mechanic three nights a week.
Indickheader: Someone who puts on their indicator after they have already changed lanes.
During my appointment yesterday my barber died while having a massive seizure. I'm quite cut up about it.
A leopard can't change his spots. Unless he kept the receipt.
I always know when there's a really fat person stuck behind me on a crowded train. I don't need to look. I just get a gut feeling.
I had a pet rock. It was quite large. I used to carry it with me everywhere. Eventually though, the sad day came when I had to put it down.
I like to go to the crest of a large grassy hill, lay down and curl myself into a ball. You might think that's immature, but that's how I roll.
A friend told me that I should really get glasses. It was a good idea and it did make the beer easier to carry.
Comedians and obstetricians have at least one thing in common. Noone laughs when you stuff up the delivery (Slightly birthday related joke).
My local supermarket was advertising meat as “40% off”. Wouldn't it sound better to say “60% still ok to eat”?
Artistic Flare: A fiery distress signal that, when seen in the sky, indicates someone is stuck in a boring conversation at a gallery opening.
Hobart is a city that never sleeps. It must be. Why else would it look so tired and run down?
I had to get a new smoke alarm. The last one lost its shit when I burnt my toast. I was worried it wouldn't cope at all if there was a real fire.
People with contagious diseases make me sick!
Throughout history there's been many famous stories of lost love and break ups, but none as sad as the one that began with the words "Look honey, I've invented the toilet seat".
The fitness industry is full of products that don't deliver on their promise. The worst example is the supposed 'exercise' book I bought at the newsagent. Completely blank! What a rip-off.
Girls, never fill yourself with prawn and minced pork and wrap yourself in fried or boiled noodle dough. Trust me, you don't want to get a reputation as a won-ton woman.
Australia: A land of sweeping generalisations.
Money makes the world go pear-shaped.
Mexican Standoff: The well advised human exclusion zone around someone who has eaten a lot of burritos.
All the world's a stage and we are merely players. But the director is useless, the storyline's ridiculous and I'm pretty sure the audience is bored and wondering when it will end.
I'm not sure about the new self-serve checkouts at the supermarkets. It's just not the same calling myself 'darl' and squashing my own bread and potato chips.
Oh what a tangled web we weave when we pull on the cables behind the TV.
I never have disposable income, but I have plenty that's biodegradable. Sometimes it evaporates right out of my wallet.
I couldn't see the optometrist on Monday. So he gave me some glasses.
News coverage on Sunrise has been downgraded to a Kochegorie 3. The hype's been reduced but there's still the risk the dickhead will linger for days.
Zumbie - A slow moving, groaning creature created by fad dance/aerobic classes. Also known as 'The Unfit'.
Not many people know that thanks to the advent of online shopping more bulls now own nice dinner sets.
At work they told me I'm a 'real gun'. I was flattered until I realised that they just meant I was likely to be fired.
There's no shortage of experts in the world but I have no idea where they come from because I've never once met a pert.
Having all my stuff on high shelves really keeps me on my toes.
