Think Outside the Ballot Box

It’s election week. That special time, once every three years, when we get to wield our democratic power in a cardboard booth with a little pencil. However, deciding who to vote for is never easy. Elections can be very confusing and a bit boring. Let’s face it, making politics interesting is like trying to make Jesus ‘cool’ for teenagers. Many try but it only ends up being awkward for everyone. So, in an effort to help you sort through the rhetoric I have written a straight forward glossary to explain some of the more common political terms and hopefully give you a solid understanding of how it all works.

Poll: What bogan girls dance on to get fit.
Election: What may result from watching the girls on the poll.
Vote: What you do to keep contestants in reality TV shows.
Informal Vote: Wearing shorts to the polling place.
Debate: What politicians use to lure voters onto de-hook.
Campaign: What politicians drink to celebrate after they win.
Candidate: The person you don’t recognise who is standing next to Kevin or John on your How to Vote card.
Mandate: Political prerogative, so called because it is like going on a date with a chauvinist man, that is, you’re stuck with someone who makes all the decisions whether you like them or not.
Interest Rates: A numerical index to represent people’s interest in politics. Historically the higher the index, the more people are interested in what the government does. When the index is low people will be more interested in their big screen TVs.
Prime Minister: A minister that can only be divided evenly by one and itself.
Treasurer: The person responsible when the economy is going well.
International Financial Pressure: The thing responsible when the economy is going bad.
Inflation: The increase in self esteem the Treasurer feels when the economy is going well.
Government: The people who run the country.
Big Business: The people who run the Government.
Opposition: Identical to the government except for the banner they stand in front of.
Parliament: 70s funk band.
Parliament House: Type of dance music remixed from 70s funk tracks.
Trade Union Movement: The noise in the cupboard that Kevin Rudd doesn’t want you to hear.
Labor Party: The spelling indicates that it is not to be confused with ‘work’. Labor is a party with no time for ‘U’.
Liberal Party: Spelling is also important here. The big ‘L’ means the word is opposite to its normal meaning. This party is also Honest, Fair and Good for the country.
Greens: What your Mum told you to eat if you want to be big and strong. They probably are good for you but they make a pretty lightweight meal on their own.
Democrats: Mythical party who some believe still exists. The name is derived from the equally mythical term ‘democracy’.
Independent: Someone who can’t find enough friends to have a party.

Hopefully this has helped clear things up. And, on a personal note, please remember that in some countries people have to fight and die for their right to vote. Your vote is precious and vital. If you waste it, Matt Corby may not win Idol. Please vote now!

Gotta Love It!

Back in April Melbourne comedian Matt Elsbury asked me if I’d like to do a show with him based on love and hate. He very kindly offered me the ‘love’ half of the show as he wasn’t sure that he could get through half an hour without hating something. Because I had just finished a run of my show ‘Happy’, Matt reasonably assumed that I could create a positive half hour to balance his darker comedy. I’m not sure that I am overly qualified to talk about love but I was flattered by his offer and, well, a little drunk, so I said yes. Interestingly this is how a lot of my relationships start.

Such an invitation probably wouldn’t have been extended to me a few years ago. I used to have a tendency to be cynical about many things. I was even cynical about being cynical, after all, what does it really achieve? But these days I have come to terms with a lot of the frustrations that used to plague me. I have learned to accept that which I cannot change. But that doesn’t mean that I don’t have questions.

Everyday there are more things to puzzle about . Questions that keep me up at night and need to be answered. For example:

1. Are my friends who aren’t registered on Facebook still my friends?
2. If there are more cars on the road every year why do service stations keep closing down?
3. Why is flavoured water cheaper than plain bottled water and how can a toothbrush cost more than a broom?
4. Who are all the naked girls on the internet? There are literally thousands of them (I checked) but no-one seems to know them. Are they like Liberal voters, no-one will admit to it, but clearly someone does it?
5. Who honestly has 5000 songs they like enough to put in their iPod?
6. Why would anyone buy a $10,000 ‘outdoor kitchen’ when they could just as easily buy a neon sign that says “I’m a massive wanker with far too much money!”
7. Does the crap on TV really need to be seen in high definition?
8. Is there a broadcasting regulation that insists all breakfast radio shows must make ‘crazy calls’?
9. How many scrapbooking stores does a society need?
10. Will “Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader?” be followed up by “Can You Go to the Toilet by Yourself?”

I think these are reasonable questions and I’d like to think that someone has the answers. If you can help, come to our show and fill me in.

I used to have a lot of questions about love too. I think we all probably do. What is love? Where do you find it? Should I ask for a receipt? And the answers aren’t always simple. It wasn’t until Matt asked me to write material about love that I had the chance to really evaluate it all and come to terms with what love really means to me.

While writing I realised that love is actually a lot like stand-up comedy. It can be scary, it can make you feel fantastic or terrible, it might make you laugh or it might make you cringe. If you mess it up people will throw things at you but if you do it right you will be adored. It’s better with lots of people in the room and of course you need a spotlight and microphone… OK maybe I’ve pushed the analogy a bit far.

But whether you are looking for love, have found love, thought you’d lost love but then realised it had just fallen behind the couch. Whether you remember Jackie Love or Courtney Love, spell love L-U-V or simply hate love, come along to LOVE & HATE and have a laugh at love with me.

P.S. If you do know anyone who is naked on the internet, bring them along too.

Gavin can be seen with Matt Elsbury in LOVE & HATE, 8pm, Wednesday Nov 28 – Saturday Dec 1 at Glitch Bar & Cinema, 318 St Georges Rd, Nth Fitzroy. Tickets are available at the door for $15 Full /$12 concession. More info at www.gavinbaskerville.com or www.mattelsbury.com