It’s election week. That special time, once every three years, when we get to wield our democratic power in a cardboard booth with a little pencil. However, deciding who to vote for is never easy. Elections can be very confusing and a bit boring. Let’s face it, making politics interesting is like trying to make Jesus ‘cool’ for teenagers. Many try but it only ends up being awkward for everyone. So, in an effort to help you sort through the rhetoric I have written a straight forward glossary to explain some of the more common political terms and hopefully give you a solid understanding of how it all works.
Poll: What bogan girls dance on to get fit.
Election: What may result from watching the girls on the poll.
Vote: What you do to keep contestants in reality TV shows.
Informal Vote: Wearing shorts to the polling place.
Debate: What politicians use to lure voters onto de-hook.
Campaign: What politicians drink to celebrate after they win.
Candidate: The person you don’t recognise who is standing next to Kevin or John on your How to Vote card.
Mandate: Political prerogative, so called because it is like going on a date with a chauvinist man, that is, you’re stuck with someone who makes all the decisions whether you like them or not.
Interest Rates: A numerical index to represent people’s interest in politics. Historically the higher the index, the more people are interested in what the government does. When the index is low people will be more interested in their big screen TVs.
Prime Minister: A minister that can only be divided evenly by one and itself.
Treasurer: The person responsible when the economy is going well.
International Financial Pressure: The thing responsible when the economy is going bad.
Inflation: The increase in self esteem the Treasurer feels when the economy is going well.
Government: The people who run the country.
Big Business: The people who run the Government.
Opposition: Identical to the government except for the banner they stand in front of.
Parliament: 70s funk band.
Parliament House: Type of dance music remixed from 70s funk tracks.
Trade Union Movement: The noise in the cupboard that Kevin Rudd doesn’t want you to hear.
Labor Party: The spelling indicates that it is not to be confused with ‘work’. Labor is a party with no time for ‘U’.
Liberal Party: Spelling is also important here. The big ‘L’ means the word is opposite to its normal meaning. This party is also Honest, Fair and Good for the country.
Greens: What your Mum told you to eat if you want to be big and strong. They probably are good for you but they make a pretty lightweight meal on their own.
Democrats: Mythical party who some believe still exists. The name is derived from the equally mythical term ‘democracy’.
Independent: Someone who can’t find enough friends to have a party.
Hopefully this has helped clear things up. And, on a personal note, please remember that in some countries people have to fight and die for their right to vote. Your vote is precious and vital. If you waste it, Matt Corby may not win Idol. Please vote now!
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
Gotta Love It!
Back in April Melbourne comedian Matt Elsbury asked me if I’d like to do a show with him based on love and hate. He very kindly offered me the ‘love’ half of the show as he wasn’t sure that he could get through half an hour without hating something. Because I had just finished a run of my show ‘Happy’, Matt reasonably assumed that I could create a positive half hour to balance his darker comedy. I’m not sure that I am overly qualified to talk about love but I was flattered by his offer and, well, a little drunk, so I said yes. Interestingly this is how a lot of my relationships start.
Such an invitation probably wouldn’t have been extended to me a few years ago. I used to have a tendency to be cynical about many things. I was even cynical about being cynical, after all, what does it really achieve? But these days I have come to terms with a lot of the frustrations that used to plague me. I have learned to accept that which I cannot change. But that doesn’t mean that I don’t have questions.
Everyday there are more things to puzzle about . Questions that keep me up at night and need to be answered. For example:
1. Are my friends who aren’t registered on Facebook still my friends?
2. If there are more cars on the road every year why do service stations keep closing down?
3. Why is flavoured water cheaper than plain bottled water and how can a toothbrush cost more than a broom?
4. Who are all the naked girls on the internet? There are literally thousands of them (I checked) but no-one seems to know them. Are they like Liberal voters, no-one will admit to it, but clearly someone does it?
5. Who honestly has 5000 songs they like enough to put in their iPod?
6. Why would anyone buy a $10,000 ‘outdoor kitchen’ when they could just as easily buy a neon sign that says “I’m a massive wanker with far too much money!”
7. Does the crap on TV really need to be seen in high definition?
8. Is there a broadcasting regulation that insists all breakfast radio shows must make ‘crazy calls’?
9. How many scrapbooking stores does a society need?
10. Will “Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader?” be followed up by “Can You Go to the Toilet by Yourself?”
I think these are reasonable questions and I’d like to think that someone has the answers. If you can help, come to our show and fill me in.
I used to have a lot of questions about love too. I think we all probably do. What is love? Where do you find it? Should I ask for a receipt? And the answers aren’t always simple. It wasn’t until Matt asked me to write material about love that I had the chance to really evaluate it all and come to terms with what love really means to me.
While writing I realised that love is actually a lot like stand-up comedy. It can be scary, it can make you feel fantastic or terrible, it might make you laugh or it might make you cringe. If you mess it up people will throw things at you but if you do it right you will be adored. It’s better with lots of people in the room and of course you need a spotlight and microphone… OK maybe I’ve pushed the analogy a bit far.
But whether you are looking for love, have found love, thought you’d lost love but then realised it had just fallen behind the couch. Whether you remember Jackie Love or Courtney Love, spell love L-U-V or simply hate love, come along to LOVE & HATE and have a laugh at love with me.
P.S. If you do know anyone who is naked on the internet, bring them along too.
Gavin can be seen with Matt Elsbury in LOVE & HATE, 8pm, Wednesday Nov 28 – Saturday Dec 1 at Glitch Bar & Cinema, 318 St Georges Rd, Nth Fitzroy. Tickets are available at the door for $15 Full /$12 concession. More info at www.gavinbaskerville.com or www.mattelsbury.com
Friday, August 03, 2007
The Prime Minister must be a drug dealer.
I read with interest Piers Akerman’s editorial yesterday on News.com.au defending the government’s handling of the farcical Haneef case.
Piers seems to think that it is important that we are tough on terrorism and therefore should detain, accuse and smear the name of innocent people in the interests of public safety. After all, rumours and hearsay are clearly enough to allow the minister to revoke a person’s visa.
I’m glad Piers thinks that way and I hope he doesn’t mind when the police arrive to arrest him and the Prime Minister. After all, Piers Akerman, by his own logic, is a drug dealer and the Prime Minister and Peter Costello must also be drug dealers.
You see there are rumours that Mr Akerman did cocaine in the 80s and continues to today. These are of course rumours, but were recorded in Hansard. That is more than enough evidence to detain him surely? If Piers has possessed cocaine he has no doubt been in contact with a drug dealer and more than likely given that dealer money. That’s material support for drug dealing. So Piers won’t mind if we now call him a ‘suspected drug dealer’.
By his own admission Mr Akerman is in regular contact with both the PM and Treasurer:
“ Well I'm interested in your perception that I'm seen as close to John Howard, as I speak regularly, far more regularly, with the Treasurer than I do with the Prime Minister.” (Full transcript here.)
So if Mr Akerman is a suspected drug dealer we’d better haul in Mr Howard and Mr Costello too as they must know something about Mr Akerman’s drug dealing.
And please Mr Kevin Andrews, do the right, moral thing and revoke their passports and defame them in public at every opportunity. It is only fair.
Piers seems to think that it is important that we are tough on terrorism and therefore should detain, accuse and smear the name of innocent people in the interests of public safety. After all, rumours and hearsay are clearly enough to allow the minister to revoke a person’s visa.
I’m glad Piers thinks that way and I hope he doesn’t mind when the police arrive to arrest him and the Prime Minister. After all, Piers Akerman, by his own logic, is a drug dealer and the Prime Minister and Peter Costello must also be drug dealers.
You see there are rumours that Mr Akerman did cocaine in the 80s and continues to today. These are of course rumours, but were recorded in Hansard. That is more than enough evidence to detain him surely? If Piers has possessed cocaine he has no doubt been in contact with a drug dealer and more than likely given that dealer money. That’s material support for drug dealing. So Piers won’t mind if we now call him a ‘suspected drug dealer’.
By his own admission Mr Akerman is in regular contact with both the PM and Treasurer:
“ Well I'm interested in your perception that I'm seen as close to John Howard, as I speak regularly, far more regularly, with the Treasurer than I do with the Prime Minister.” (Full transcript here.)
So if Mr Akerman is a suspected drug dealer we’d better haul in Mr Howard and Mr Costello too as they must know something about Mr Akerman’s drug dealing.
And please Mr Kevin Andrews, do the right, moral thing and revoke their passports and defame them in public at every opportunity. It is only fair.
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
Freedom…? That’s a furniture store isn’t it?
When I was a kid I didn’t know a lot about politics and the way it all worked, but I did know one thing. There was one indisputable fact that could be used to justify any annoyance that I wished to perpetrate on my siblings. I could stand where I wanted, could make whatever noise I wanted and I could follow or parrot whoever I wanted all with the one simple, straight forward defence, ‘it’s a free country’. We all seemed to believe and accept that fact and it was probably reasonably true back then. However, recent events in Australia may set a precedent that could remove the basic rights of children. It may no longer be possible for them to be annoying little brats under the ‘free county’ defence.
The events I am referring to are those surrounding Dr Haneef who has been detained in Queensland and charged with ‘recklessly’ providing material support to terrorists. The terrorists in question are the seemingly incompetent ‘bombers’ in London and Glasgow who obviously had more money than mathematical ability when they put petrol bombs into a Mercedes Benz and a Jeep Cherokee hoping to cause massive damage, death and terror. The plot failed. Nobody was killed and the only injury was to the driver of the ‘car bomb’. Terror experts said that there was little chance that the bombs could have caused anything more than a big fireball and it is laughable to compare them to the car bombs in Iraq.
So some guys planned and executed a failed attack. That’s enough to put themselves into a lot of trouble I’m sure. But what is going on with Dr Haneef? Dr Haneef is related to two of the arrested ‘bombers’, the driver of the Jeep Cherokee, Kafeel Ahmed and Sabeel Ahmed who is charged with foreknowledge. Dr Haneef has admitted to sharing a house with his cousin and when he left London in 2006 he left his pre-paid mobile phone sim card behind as it was of little use in Australia. It is alleged that Ahmed decided to use that sim card as a detonation device inside one of the cars.
Haneef was detained for 12 days without charge and then charged with ‘reckless’ support of terrorists because the AFP had no other evidence against him other than an old sim card. The judge in the case granted Haneef bail but now immigration minister Kevin Andrews has revoked his visa sending him to Villawood Detention Centre. It is bad enough that the AFP trashed Haneef’s home, causing him to be evicted and the charges have left him without a job, but now the Federal Government has stepped in and effectively labelled him a guilty man.
This may be sold by Mr Andrews as being in the public's best interest and to ‘protect’ us but how is side-stepping the basic principles of law ever good for the country? Dr Haneef may possibly be complicit in the attacks but the fact of the matter is that the AFP were not able to provide enough evidence to prove that. They have detained a man for no good reason and however they want to spin it, the truth is Dr Haneef has been assumed guilty with little chance of being found innocent. The damage is done.
The new terror laws on which Dr Haneef has been held fly in the face of freedom and fairness. They set a precedent that would allow any person in Australia to be arrested and detained without charge and for the Federal Government to override the judicial system at their will. These are the sort of unlawful actions that we attacked Saddam Hussein for. The ability to ‘disappear’ any person whom the government deems a threat should never be tolerated.
We are constantly told that the ‘terrorists’ hate our freedoms and want to change our way of life. It seems the government’s answer to that is to get in first and remove our freedoms and change our way of life first so the terrorists can’t. Good thinking!
If only Dr Haneef had thought to use the other great childhood defence. When they accused him of being a terrorist he should have said “I know you are, but what am I?”
The events I am referring to are those surrounding Dr Haneef who has been detained in Queensland and charged with ‘recklessly’ providing material support to terrorists. The terrorists in question are the seemingly incompetent ‘bombers’ in London and Glasgow who obviously had more money than mathematical ability when they put petrol bombs into a Mercedes Benz and a Jeep Cherokee hoping to cause massive damage, death and terror. The plot failed. Nobody was killed and the only injury was to the driver of the ‘car bomb’. Terror experts said that there was little chance that the bombs could have caused anything more than a big fireball and it is laughable to compare them to the car bombs in Iraq.
So some guys planned and executed a failed attack. That’s enough to put themselves into a lot of trouble I’m sure. But what is going on with Dr Haneef? Dr Haneef is related to two of the arrested ‘bombers’, the driver of the Jeep Cherokee, Kafeel Ahmed and Sabeel Ahmed who is charged with foreknowledge. Dr Haneef has admitted to sharing a house with his cousin and when he left London in 2006 he left his pre-paid mobile phone sim card behind as it was of little use in Australia. It is alleged that Ahmed decided to use that sim card as a detonation device inside one of the cars.
Haneef was detained for 12 days without charge and then charged with ‘reckless’ support of terrorists because the AFP had no other evidence against him other than an old sim card. The judge in the case granted Haneef bail but now immigration minister Kevin Andrews has revoked his visa sending him to Villawood Detention Centre. It is bad enough that the AFP trashed Haneef’s home, causing him to be evicted and the charges have left him without a job, but now the Federal Government has stepped in and effectively labelled him a guilty man.
This may be sold by Mr Andrews as being in the public's best interest and to ‘protect’ us but how is side-stepping the basic principles of law ever good for the country? Dr Haneef may possibly be complicit in the attacks but the fact of the matter is that the AFP were not able to provide enough evidence to prove that. They have detained a man for no good reason and however they want to spin it, the truth is Dr Haneef has been assumed guilty with little chance of being found innocent. The damage is done.
The new terror laws on which Dr Haneef has been held fly in the face of freedom and fairness. They set a precedent that would allow any person in Australia to be arrested and detained without charge and for the Federal Government to override the judicial system at their will. These are the sort of unlawful actions that we attacked Saddam Hussein for. The ability to ‘disappear’ any person whom the government deems a threat should never be tolerated.
We are constantly told that the ‘terrorists’ hate our freedoms and want to change our way of life. It seems the government’s answer to that is to get in first and remove our freedoms and change our way of life first so the terrorists can’t. Good thinking!
If only Dr Haneef had thought to use the other great childhood defence. When they accused him of being a terrorist he should have said “I know you are, but what am I?”
Friday, July 06, 2007
Nah! It’s not about the Oil.
Finally, some words of truth from our government.
It seems that according to Brendan Nelson our troops are in Iraq to secure the oil supplies. After all this time the government admits something that we have accused them of all along. Of course Mr Howard is playing down this comment and insisting that our troops are there to support our allies in bringing democracy to Iraq. (Or at least ensuring that there won’t be enough of them left alive to feel oppressed.)
The amazing thing is that people are still siding with Mr Howard on this issue. Some even claiming that we need to secure the oil to avoid rising fuel costs and invading Iraq was justified. But how do you justify an illegal invasion?
Saddam Hussein was an awful dictator and the Iraqi people certainly didn’t deserve to endure his reign. But if it wasn’t for the oil would we have joined the fight to save them? It’s just very lucky for them that their country had something we need. There are many severely oppressed people in nations around the world and we are not in any rush to bring any of them democracy. Why not?
We pretend that we are the ‘good guys’ in Iraq. The media refer to the insurgents there as ‘Al Qaeda’ and ‘terrorists’ but ask yourself what would happen in Australia if a foreign country decided that we needed to be liberated and that our resources needed to be ‘secured’. If we were invaded for our iron ore or gold don’t you think that we would fight back? If our government, army and police were replaced by supporters of the invaders wouldn’t we attempt to unseat them? If the invaders were claiming that they were there to help when it was obvious that they wanted our resources wouldn’t we feel betrayed? If Australian civilians were being slaughtered and written off as collateral damage wouldn’t we be outraged and vengeful? Australia has assisted the U.S. in an unlawful invasion and has aided and abetted the theft of oil. In essence we are international criminals and I won’t be surprised if history views us that way.
For John Howard to pretend that his decision to send troops to Iraq had nothing to do with oil is arrogant and very revealing. Does he really expect us to believe that someone who has been a politician for as long as he has and who is such good friends with George W Bush doesn’t understand the realities of global politics? To believe that Mr Howard is ‘unaware’ of the corrupt nature of the global military machine and the corporate interests in the Middle East is supremely naïve. We are supposed to believe that he honestly thought there were WMDs in Iraq. We are supposed to believe that he honestly thought that the Bali bombings were connected to Saddam Hussein through Al Qaeda and that the U.S. government wasn’t using September 11 to justify pre-planned invasions of Afghanistan and Iraq. If he did believe those things then he is seriously, too stupid to be running our country. If he knew they were lies then he is complicit.
So is Mr Howard stupidly naive or a morally bankrupt liar? I think that is a fair question to ask in an election year. Either way he has a lot of blood on his hands which even his clean image can’t hide forever.
And why aren’t these questions being asked by the media or the opposition?
It seems that according to Brendan Nelson our troops are in Iraq to secure the oil supplies. After all this time the government admits something that we have accused them of all along. Of course Mr Howard is playing down this comment and insisting that our troops are there to support our allies in bringing democracy to Iraq. (Or at least ensuring that there won’t be enough of them left alive to feel oppressed.)
The amazing thing is that people are still siding with Mr Howard on this issue. Some even claiming that we need to secure the oil to avoid rising fuel costs and invading Iraq was justified. But how do you justify an illegal invasion?
Saddam Hussein was an awful dictator and the Iraqi people certainly didn’t deserve to endure his reign. But if it wasn’t for the oil would we have joined the fight to save them? It’s just very lucky for them that their country had something we need. There are many severely oppressed people in nations around the world and we are not in any rush to bring any of them democracy. Why not?
We pretend that we are the ‘good guys’ in Iraq. The media refer to the insurgents there as ‘Al Qaeda’ and ‘terrorists’ but ask yourself what would happen in Australia if a foreign country decided that we needed to be liberated and that our resources needed to be ‘secured’. If we were invaded for our iron ore or gold don’t you think that we would fight back? If our government, army and police were replaced by supporters of the invaders wouldn’t we attempt to unseat them? If the invaders were claiming that they were there to help when it was obvious that they wanted our resources wouldn’t we feel betrayed? If Australian civilians were being slaughtered and written off as collateral damage wouldn’t we be outraged and vengeful? Australia has assisted the U.S. in an unlawful invasion and has aided and abetted the theft of oil. In essence we are international criminals and I won’t be surprised if history views us that way.
For John Howard to pretend that his decision to send troops to Iraq had nothing to do with oil is arrogant and very revealing. Does he really expect us to believe that someone who has been a politician for as long as he has and who is such good friends with George W Bush doesn’t understand the realities of global politics? To believe that Mr Howard is ‘unaware’ of the corrupt nature of the global military machine and the corporate interests in the Middle East is supremely naïve. We are supposed to believe that he honestly thought there were WMDs in Iraq. We are supposed to believe that he honestly thought that the Bali bombings were connected to Saddam Hussein through Al Qaeda and that the U.S. government wasn’t using September 11 to justify pre-planned invasions of Afghanistan and Iraq. If he did believe those things then he is seriously, too stupid to be running our country. If he knew they were lies then he is complicit.
So is Mr Howard stupidly naive or a morally bankrupt liar? I think that is a fair question to ask in an election year. Either way he has a lot of blood on his hands which even his clean image can’t hide forever.
And why aren’t these questions being asked by the media or the opposition?
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
SPIDER SENSES TINGLING...
Or is it just my bullshit detector? The sudden ‘humanitarian’ decision of the Howard Government to send police and military troops to the Northern Territory Aboriginal communities this week is more than a little suspicious. Such a heavy handed response seems excessive and would never have been tolerated or supported by the Australian public. That is until the issue of child abuse came to light last week.
With the release of one report claiming widespread child abuse in ‘all’ Northern Territory communities the government has launched into action. Not with the provision of counsellors or health officials, but with police officers and soldiers.
If I was a more cynical man I might suggest that ‘child abuse’ was the perfect excuse and cover for the government to begin draconian measures to ‘clean up’ the Aboriginal population. After all, who would oppose measures aimed at stopping ‘child abuse’? Anyone remember 'children overboard'?
One can only speculate on Mr Howard’s true motivations. Perhaps we are due for another visit from the UN who have already been very critical of Australia’s treatment of its indigenous population? But then, that would suggest that the government cares about the UN’s opinion. Why should they? They ignored the UN’s opposition to the invasion of Iraq. And Mr Howard ignored them again when they asked for help in Sudan. So obviously they aren’t trying to help the aboriginal communities for the sake of international appearances.
And then I remembered ‘Gav’s Rule of Australian Politics’ which states that: “Government decisions are only made if someone stands to make a lot of money from said decision”.
I do seem to remember last year there were a lot of whispers about uranium mining and proposals for nuclear energy being floated. Where do they mine uranium? Oh that’s right, the Northern Territory. Why did they have problems mining it there before? Oh yeah, the aboriginal population who own the land opposed the mines.
Northern Territory, uranium mining, aboriginal land owners, child abuse claims, police and military intervention…? I’m not sure how those things could possibly fit together. Do you have any ideas?
Stay tuned.
*** Update! Evidence is surfacing. Read this.
With the release of one report claiming widespread child abuse in ‘all’ Northern Territory communities the government has launched into action. Not with the provision of counsellors or health officials, but with police officers and soldiers.
If I was a more cynical man I might suggest that ‘child abuse’ was the perfect excuse and cover for the government to begin draconian measures to ‘clean up’ the Aboriginal population. After all, who would oppose measures aimed at stopping ‘child abuse’? Anyone remember 'children overboard'?
One can only speculate on Mr Howard’s true motivations. Perhaps we are due for another visit from the UN who have already been very critical of Australia’s treatment of its indigenous population? But then, that would suggest that the government cares about the UN’s opinion. Why should they? They ignored the UN’s opposition to the invasion of Iraq. And Mr Howard ignored them again when they asked for help in Sudan. So obviously they aren’t trying to help the aboriginal communities for the sake of international appearances.
And then I remembered ‘Gav’s Rule of Australian Politics’ which states that: “Government decisions are only made if someone stands to make a lot of money from said decision”.
I do seem to remember last year there were a lot of whispers about uranium mining and proposals for nuclear energy being floated. Where do they mine uranium? Oh that’s right, the Northern Territory. Why did they have problems mining it there before? Oh yeah, the aboriginal population who own the land opposed the mines.
Northern Territory, uranium mining, aboriginal land owners, child abuse claims, police and military intervention…? I’m not sure how those things could possibly fit together. Do you have any ideas?
Stay tuned.
*** Update! Evidence is surfacing. Read this.
Friday, June 22, 2007
Election Problems?
Oh great! It’s an election year. Once again it’s a complete farce but we are acting like we haven’t seen all this before.
John Howard is a great politician. However, I don’t admire him. In fact I hate him, but there’s no denying that he is a great politician. He knows exactly how to pull the strings and play the system to stay in power which is what politics is all about today.
The techniques the government use to stay in power are as transparent as a newly cleaned glass door. You know the ones. The glass doors you see on Funniest Home Videos that people keep walking into over and over again. Hilarious!
I’ve always believed that you will never go broke telling people what they want to hear. It seems that you will never lose power doing that either. The best bit about Australians is that they don’t even know what it is they want to hear so you can tell them that too.
WHAT YOU TELL THEM: You all should chase the ‘Great Australian Dream’. The ‘Dream’ of owning your own home. What? You don’t have enough money to buy a home? Here’s $7000 to get you going.
WHAT IT MEANS: For a small $7000 investment you have just given your mates in the banking industry a new customer. For $7000 you have convinced someone to take out a $300,000 mortgage. On top of that a new home needs furnishings. There’s an instant $40,000 worth of retail sales straight back into the economy. Nice work!
Suddenly the economy is booming and everyone is happy.
Of course we are talking about The Great Australian Dream and it is a dream. The problem with a dream is that somewhere down the line you have to wake up, probably to the sound of the bank foreclosing on you because you can’t keep up with the interest payments.
Losing your home is a scary prospect so you’ve also conveniently created a new bogeyman to keep people in line. Scare people into thinking that those interest rates that you tied them to may increase with a change of government. They’d better keep you in power. Nice huh? That’s like tying a rock to someone’s feet and dangling them over the edge of a river and then telling them that the ‘bad’ guys want to make the rock heavier, so stick with us.
WHAT YOU TELL THEM: The country needs more babies. Our population is in crisis. Here’s $6000 to have a baby.
WHAT IT MEANS: Babies are great consumers. From food to nappies to strollers and clothes. Once again for every $6000 investment you have instantly injected at least $15000 into the retail sector. Once again the balance sheets look great.
NB. In the past these sort of quick fix plans didn’t work because previously when people needed more money they asked for pay rises which caused inflation. Now we have credit cards and revolving lines of credit thanks to the very generous banking industry. So now all those extra retail sales just go on the credit card. ‘But that doesn’t add up’ I hear you ask and you are correct. Somewhere down the line such a system can’t be sustained, but by the time that happens Mr Howard will be long retired. So why should he care? (My previous post on the subject here)
WHAT YOU TELL THEM: You know that lovely home and child we helped you have? Guess what! Terrorists, Muslims, immigrants and home invaders want to take them away from you.
WHAT IT MEANS: Now you have even more leverage to get people to do what you want. A scared nation is a passive nation. If they are suspicious about their neighbours they won’t have time to be suspicious of you. Better still they will turn to you for protection. You can send troops to illegal wars in Iraq (I thought we had a ‘Defence’ force not an ‘Attack’ force) leaving you with ‘not enough troops’ to save the Sudanese who actually want our help.
WHAT YOU TELL THEM: We liberated East Timor and we are heroes.
WHAT IT MEANS: Now we can steal their oil and keep them poor. (Click here for more info)
WHAT YOU TELL THEM: We as a Government are facing annihilation at the next election.
WHAT IT MEANS: This is a call to arms to the ‘true believers’ (Thanks Paul) to make sure that they stay with you. You don’t want to lose your voter base. Swinging voters are less likely to vote for a party that looks like winning by a landslide and by suggesting that you need all the support you can get the people that voted for you last time may just stay on board and get you across the line. Australians always love an under-dog. Even if that dog has bitten you too many times before.
Mr Howard would never admit defeat so easily. He has more tricks up his sleeve. Over the past ten years he has stealthfully taken control of the government and wielded his influence over the spineless and share-market driven media to create a regime driven by money and conservative values. He may even believe that his ideals are best for the nation but it is far more likely that he is aiming for the history books. If he really had the nation’s interests at heart he’d know that he has stolen from the future to benefit today. When history is written it will show him to be a stubborn, merciless and vengeful leader who pandered to corporate interests to serve his own glory.
Don’t be fooled by a prosperous economy. The ‘trickle down’ effect is a myth and the current economic situation has been achieved by selling off the nation’s assets and future.
Would a Labor government do any better? Probably not. But that is not the point. ‘Better the devil you know’ is no longer an acceptable excuse. That is how John Howard has survived this long. In his acceptance speeches at every election he makes a point to say “I have a mandate to govern”. He doesn’t say “I know you aren’t happy with me, but thanks for voting me in again”. He says “You have just given me permission to do whatever I want. I choose to interpret your votes as support for my policies”. This is arrogant and inherently undemocratic but he gets away with it because we keep voting him in.
At the upcoming election please think carefully about your vote. I don’t care who you vote for but make sure you are voting for the future and not just for short term gains. This economic boom won’t last (It's called a boom for a reason). What happens when things aren’t going so well? There is no such thing as perpetual growth. The slump will come at some stage.
Be smart. Be prepared. Mr Howard won’t be there to hear you crying when you are drowning in debt. He won’t care that he put you there. In fact there’s every possibility that he will deliberately lose the election so that it will be Mr Rudd who has to take the blame.
Never forget that politicians lie. They even lie about the fact that they lie. Don’t trust them to look after your interests. If it sounds too good to be true, then you’re being screwed.
Your vote is all you have left in a diminishing democracy. Use it well.
John Howard is a great politician. However, I don’t admire him. In fact I hate him, but there’s no denying that he is a great politician. He knows exactly how to pull the strings and play the system to stay in power which is what politics is all about today.
The techniques the government use to stay in power are as transparent as a newly cleaned glass door. You know the ones. The glass doors you see on Funniest Home Videos that people keep walking into over and over again. Hilarious!
I’ve always believed that you will never go broke telling people what they want to hear. It seems that you will never lose power doing that either. The best bit about Australians is that they don’t even know what it is they want to hear so you can tell them that too.
WHAT YOU TELL THEM: You all should chase the ‘Great Australian Dream’. The ‘Dream’ of owning your own home. What? You don’t have enough money to buy a home? Here’s $7000 to get you going.
WHAT IT MEANS: For a small $7000 investment you have just given your mates in the banking industry a new customer. For $7000 you have convinced someone to take out a $300,000 mortgage. On top of that a new home needs furnishings. There’s an instant $40,000 worth of retail sales straight back into the economy. Nice work!
Suddenly the economy is booming and everyone is happy.
Of course we are talking about The Great Australian Dream and it is a dream. The problem with a dream is that somewhere down the line you have to wake up, probably to the sound of the bank foreclosing on you because you can’t keep up with the interest payments.
Losing your home is a scary prospect so you’ve also conveniently created a new bogeyman to keep people in line. Scare people into thinking that those interest rates that you tied them to may increase with a change of government. They’d better keep you in power. Nice huh? That’s like tying a rock to someone’s feet and dangling them over the edge of a river and then telling them that the ‘bad’ guys want to make the rock heavier, so stick with us.
WHAT YOU TELL THEM: The country needs more babies. Our population is in crisis. Here’s $6000 to have a baby.
WHAT IT MEANS: Babies are great consumers. From food to nappies to strollers and clothes. Once again for every $6000 investment you have instantly injected at least $15000 into the retail sector. Once again the balance sheets look great.
NB. In the past these sort of quick fix plans didn’t work because previously when people needed more money they asked for pay rises which caused inflation. Now we have credit cards and revolving lines of credit thanks to the very generous banking industry. So now all those extra retail sales just go on the credit card. ‘But that doesn’t add up’ I hear you ask and you are correct. Somewhere down the line such a system can’t be sustained, but by the time that happens Mr Howard will be long retired. So why should he care? (My previous post on the subject here)
WHAT YOU TELL THEM: You know that lovely home and child we helped you have? Guess what! Terrorists, Muslims, immigrants and home invaders want to take them away from you.
WHAT IT MEANS: Now you have even more leverage to get people to do what you want. A scared nation is a passive nation. If they are suspicious about their neighbours they won’t have time to be suspicious of you. Better still they will turn to you for protection. You can send troops to illegal wars in Iraq (I thought we had a ‘Defence’ force not an ‘Attack’ force) leaving you with ‘not enough troops’ to save the Sudanese who actually want our help.
WHAT YOU TELL THEM: We liberated East Timor and we are heroes.
WHAT IT MEANS: Now we can steal their oil and keep them poor. (Click here for more info)
WHAT YOU TELL THEM: We as a Government are facing annihilation at the next election.
WHAT IT MEANS: This is a call to arms to the ‘true believers’ (Thanks Paul) to make sure that they stay with you. You don’t want to lose your voter base. Swinging voters are less likely to vote for a party that looks like winning by a landslide and by suggesting that you need all the support you can get the people that voted for you last time may just stay on board and get you across the line. Australians always love an under-dog. Even if that dog has bitten you too many times before.
Mr Howard would never admit defeat so easily. He has more tricks up his sleeve. Over the past ten years he has stealthfully taken control of the government and wielded his influence over the spineless and share-market driven media to create a regime driven by money and conservative values. He may even believe that his ideals are best for the nation but it is far more likely that he is aiming for the history books. If he really had the nation’s interests at heart he’d know that he has stolen from the future to benefit today. When history is written it will show him to be a stubborn, merciless and vengeful leader who pandered to corporate interests to serve his own glory.
Don’t be fooled by a prosperous economy. The ‘trickle down’ effect is a myth and the current economic situation has been achieved by selling off the nation’s assets and future.
Would a Labor government do any better? Probably not. But that is not the point. ‘Better the devil you know’ is no longer an acceptable excuse. That is how John Howard has survived this long. In his acceptance speeches at every election he makes a point to say “I have a mandate to govern”. He doesn’t say “I know you aren’t happy with me, but thanks for voting me in again”. He says “You have just given me permission to do whatever I want. I choose to interpret your votes as support for my policies”. This is arrogant and inherently undemocratic but he gets away with it because we keep voting him in.
At the upcoming election please think carefully about your vote. I don’t care who you vote for but make sure you are voting for the future and not just for short term gains. This economic boom won’t last (It's called a boom for a reason). What happens when things aren’t going so well? There is no such thing as perpetual growth. The slump will come at some stage.
Be smart. Be prepared. Mr Howard won’t be there to hear you crying when you are drowning in debt. He won’t care that he put you there. In fact there’s every possibility that he will deliberately lose the election so that it will be Mr Rudd who has to take the blame.
Never forget that politicians lie. They even lie about the fact that they lie. Don’t trust them to look after your interests. If it sounds too good to be true, then you’re being screwed.
Your vote is all you have left in a diminishing democracy. Use it well.
Friday, May 11, 2007
STUPIDITY IS THE NEW BLACK
My excuse for not writing sooner is that I have been away. I spent a whole month in
It was interesting to be back amongst the bustling metropolis of
One of
Today’s fashions are terrible! People love to laugh about what we wore in the seventies and eighties and blush with embarrassment at photos of themselves from those times, but seriously, there will be even more embarrassment in ten years' time from today’s fashion victims. When they look back there will be unprecedented cries of ‘what on earth was I thinking’?
I am not a style guru. I do not design fashion and would probably be considered very conservative in my tastes. But as a member of society I am surrounded by the fashions of today and as someone who has eyes and a bile duct I have to say that it all looks stupid!
For women, mismatching, formless, layered, oversized or severely undersized clothing seems to be the trend. To look cool, take the worst elements of the last thirty years’ fashion (the tackier the better) and just chuck it on. It doesn’t matter what it is as long as you finish the look by having as much of your breasts revealed as possible. Even if you barely have any to show off. If you want proof that the fashion is terrible there it is.
I am a man. I like breasts. I should be happy that they are on show everywhere I look. However, somehow the current looks even make breasts look bad. I never thought that was possible. But they bundle them uncomfortably out of shape or let them go too free or discolour them with fake tan. To a man these are desecrations of our most favourite things.
And it doesn’t stop there. If I’d been told as a teenager that in the future micro mini skirts, no underwear and tiny tops would be a trend I would have invented a time machine in a week (especially seeing as I grew up in the eighties when big, baggy clothes left literally everything to the imagination). But somehow the dream wasn’t realised. There's something disappointingly unsexy about a girl who is constantly readjusting herself and awkwardly trying to keep herself 'decent' in a display which demonstrates exactly why underwear and longer skirts were invented in the first place. And I won’t even mention the impracticality of those styles in cities like Melbourne and Hobart. It certainly gives new meaning to the term ‘frigid’.
I blame Paris Hilton. It’s a shame that she is going to prison for drink driving. She should be going to prison for crimes against fashion. Every dreadful thing she wears seems to fester through the fashion scene until fifteen year old girls everywhere cover themselves (or not cover, as the case may be) with it. I guess we can expect prison overalls to be the next big fashion sensation.
Then we come to the men’s fashion. There was a time when someone like myself could walk into a clothing store and find at least one shirt that wouldn’t make me look like a dickhead. Not any more. Unless you want to look like the latest Big Brother evictee or an R&B star you will never own new clothes again. And even the new clothes aren’t new. Now we are expected to pay hundreds of dollars for jeans that are in worse condition that the old ones you are trying to replace.
The thing that really amazes me is how we as a society buy into fashion. Who comes up with it and how on earth do they convince people that it looks good? We have all looked back on fashions from the past and thought they looked bad. So the question is why did we think it looked good then? Did it really look good then or did it look stupid and were we just brainwashed into thinking that it looked great?
Clearly something very weird is going on. You would think that taste is something inherent to our individual psychologies. But one can only assume that it is not and that it is somehow influenced or conditioned by our environment. The more we see something the more we think it looks ok. Like some kind of hypnotism we accept something which we would have never agreed to before, like wearing ugg boots in public.
If this is true then we are susceptible to anything. We will accept whatever is around us. Hang out with clowns and you will want to look like a clown. And we do look like clowns.
Fashion is a joke. I’m beginning to suspect that there is someone in the world sitting back and laughing ‘Hahahaha. I can’t believe I convinced them to wear that. Let’s see what else they’ll try on’. It is an industry that preys on insecurity and conformity and it will probably be around for ever.
Rush in! The Emperor’s new clothes are now on sale.
Friday, March 16, 2007
Back to the Blog
Oh dear, it has been a very long time since I have added to my blog. I apologise and have no excuse other than focussing all of my writing energies into my upcoming Melbourne International Comedy Festival show “Happy”.
But since my last entry the world has certainly taken some interesting turns many of which deserve comment. So in a vain effort to catch up on world events since November here are my thoughts on a few things:
Global Warming:
You’d think this was a brand new idea the way politicians everywhere are scrambling to make up for lost time and squeeze their way onto the overcrowded bandwagon. The sad thing is that now we have to watch, once again, as a genuine cause is hijacked by corporate and political interests.
None of the politicians really care about the environment. It’s just one more thing to keep us scared and in line. Let’s make everyone feel that it’s their fault that the world is changing. There’s no mention of pollution restrictions on heavy industry or reducing petrol consumption. Instead we are converting to nuclear power and banning light bulbs. Stay tuned for a carbon tax on our own respiration. That’s right, they may just have found a way to tax the air that we breathe.
There is still a lot of arguing going on over this issue, but the problem isn’t global warming and climate change. Whether (weather) humans cause global warming or not is irrelevant. The issue is pollution. The Earth’s climate is always going to change due to forces much larger than us puny humans, but that doesn’t justify the huge amounts of toxins we pump into the air and the water every day. We should be cleaning up our act and reducing our reliance on fossil fuels so that we will have clean water and clean air to breathe and to stop the political bullshit games that are being fought over oil.
The Water Crisis:
There’s water shortages everywhere. Once again the powers that be are trying to scare us. Why? Because there is a push by large corporations (like Bechctel) in countries around the world to privatise the water supply. It’s the perfect industry. Everyone needs water. The last ten years have seen the water supplies around Australia decrease in quality while the bottled water industry flourishes. Coincidence? We have proven that we will pay more for water than petrol so of course someone wants to get a hold of that market.
If water is so scarce where does all the water that is in the millions of plastic bottles on our supermarket shelves come from? Natural springs? I’m afraid not. Have a look at the labels and you’ll see that most of it is ‘purified water’. That’s tap water to you and I. And let’s not mention all the soft drinks available. Where do they get their water from? And even if the water is coming from natural springs why is that able to be sold by private companies. If you have gold or iron ore in the ground under your house you don’t own it, the government does (unfortunate but true) so why is water so different? It’s a resource and if there is such a shortage shouldn’t the government be able to take control of these seemingly endless supplies?
I’ll let you decide.
There is so much more that I need to get off my chest, from Mr Howard’s continued arrogance and hypocrisy to the revival of the terrorist threat, but I shall save my vitriol for a later time. For now I will return to my festival show which ironically is all about finding happiness amongst all this chaos.
Don’t forget to pop in to my new look website and please visit again soon as I promise I will write more often.
But since my last entry the world has certainly taken some interesting turns many of which deserve comment. So in a vain effort to catch up on world events since November here are my thoughts on a few things:
Global Warming:
You’d think this was a brand new idea the way politicians everywhere are scrambling to make up for lost time and squeeze their way onto the overcrowded bandwagon. The sad thing is that now we have to watch, once again, as a genuine cause is hijacked by corporate and political interests.
None of the politicians really care about the environment. It’s just one more thing to keep us scared and in line. Let’s make everyone feel that it’s their fault that the world is changing. There’s no mention of pollution restrictions on heavy industry or reducing petrol consumption. Instead we are converting to nuclear power and banning light bulbs. Stay tuned for a carbon tax on our own respiration. That’s right, they may just have found a way to tax the air that we breathe.
There is still a lot of arguing going on over this issue, but the problem isn’t global warming and climate change. Whether (weather) humans cause global warming or not is irrelevant. The issue is pollution. The Earth’s climate is always going to change due to forces much larger than us puny humans, but that doesn’t justify the huge amounts of toxins we pump into the air and the water every day. We should be cleaning up our act and reducing our reliance on fossil fuels so that we will have clean water and clean air to breathe and to stop the political bullshit games that are being fought over oil.
The Water Crisis:
There’s water shortages everywhere. Once again the powers that be are trying to scare us. Why? Because there is a push by large corporations (like Bechctel) in countries around the world to privatise the water supply. It’s the perfect industry. Everyone needs water. The last ten years have seen the water supplies around Australia decrease in quality while the bottled water industry flourishes. Coincidence? We have proven that we will pay more for water than petrol so of course someone wants to get a hold of that market.
If water is so scarce where does all the water that is in the millions of plastic bottles on our supermarket shelves come from? Natural springs? I’m afraid not. Have a look at the labels and you’ll see that most of it is ‘purified water’. That’s tap water to you and I. And let’s not mention all the soft drinks available. Where do they get their water from? And even if the water is coming from natural springs why is that able to be sold by private companies. If you have gold or iron ore in the ground under your house you don’t own it, the government does (unfortunate but true) so why is water so different? It’s a resource and if there is such a shortage shouldn’t the government be able to take control of these seemingly endless supplies?
I’ll let you decide.
There is so much more that I need to get off my chest, from Mr Howard’s continued arrogance and hypocrisy to the revival of the terrorist threat, but I shall save my vitriol for a later time. For now I will return to my festival show which ironically is all about finding happiness amongst all this chaos.
Don’t forget to pop in to my new look website and please visit again soon as I promise I will write more often.
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