The 10 Pieces of Silver Screen

Last night I, along with many others, headed into the cinema to see Pirates Of The Caribbean – Dead Man’s Chest on its opening night. I’m not a huge fan but friends had organised a group and it seemed like a good idea at the time.

Pirates have become very trendy over the past few years. So much so that I prefer to pronounce the word “Pi–rah-tees” as that seems to be the current, correct pronunciation of words spelt that way. Clearly Johnny Depp has helped these dishevelled seafarers to become so popular again and good on him.

This isn’t a movie review as such. Pirates Of The Caribbean – Dead Man’s Chest or POTCDMC (this is the internet after all. Who has time for full titles?) is a very exciting, special effects extravaganza but without giving too much away the ending was a bit of a let down. Despite sitting through 2 hours of CGI mayhem (in the world’s most uncomfortable cinema seats) the story won’t be concluded until Part III. And this is why I’m a little pissed off. The same thing happened with Kill Bill and to a lesser extent Empire Strikes back. We have to go back again to find out what happened. Basically the movie makers are forcing us to pay for two cinema tickets to get one story. Surely this is a rip off?

I don’t mind if a movie is going to have a sequel. Hollywood is built on the extra ending that leaves things open for another round but usually the chapter we have just watched was complete within itself. When Freddie Krueger or Jason lunge back at the screen just before the credits roll it is usually preceded by a dramatic defeat at the hands of hero or heroine who at least for now feel safe and triumphant. The audience has closure on one chapter and are ready for another, but when a story is just left up in the air it is completely unsatisfying. Hollywood may be upset by people illegally copying DVDs but as far as I’m concerned forcing an audience to pay for another ticket to find out what happened at the end of a story is the real ‘movie piracy’.

Filmmakers may argue that the cliffhanger is a hark back to the old Saturday matinee films and that there is nothing wrong with that. After all, TV shows do it all the time. But the difference here is that in the past we only had to wait a week to see what happened, now we have to wait until next year to see the end of a story which, to be honest, barely made sense anyway.

But, well done to the producers of POTCDMC. They had a theme and ran with it. They are robbing their audience at the point of a sword and luring them onward with mythical tales of great adventure and treasure which probably won’t exist.

And the pillaging didn’t end in the cinema. The theme ran all the way to the Candy Bar where ludicrous prices fleeced every patron. Those that have seen my stand-up routines will know what I think about the prices at the Candy Bar but last night they took it to a whole new level. With absolutely no sense of irony the staff happily tried to upsell my friend’s already ludicrously oversized popcorn with the extremely attractive offer of “For only $2.50 more you can have the large popcorn”. What? For only $2.50 more? Well why not? What a great offer. I remember when an upgrade was 50 cents or maybe a dollar. They are just taking the piss by drawing attention to how overpriced everything is. Seriously, this is the height of stupidity. I dread to think that anybody is actually being sucked in and paying this. And why did they bother stopping with the upgrade? Why don’t they just say “For ONLY $8.50 more you can have a fun size Mars bar. For ONLY $10,000 more you can have a plasma TV. In fact, For ONLY three million dollars more you can buy the whole bloody cinema complex!!!!?”