Fair Go Mate!

John Howard and Andrew Robb have decided that new Australian citizens should have to pass a test to demonstrate that they can speak English and have an understanding of Australian ‘values’, history and the concept of a ‘fair go’.

I hope they are planning to test their understanding of ‘hypocrisy’ too because I believe that is the number one ‘value’ being demonstrated by our leaders.

One can only assume that this current nationalistic push is a valiant attempt to keep the terrorists out. After all, terrorists can’t speak English and surely wouldn’t know anything about Australian values????

But what exactly are ‘Australian values’ anyway? I can only assume that Australian values are the ones that we demonstrate most often. With that in mind I suggest that we include these oaths in the citizenship ceremony:

”I promise to celebrate our multicultural society but fear and ostracise Muslims because Mr Howard and Today Tonight say they are terrorists.”

”I promise to fear invasion and attacks on our lifestyle but will endorse any unprovoked attack on any country that the USA points to and back the killing of thousands of innocent civilians.”

”I promise to care about natural disasters overseas and provide aid by the truckload… as long as a footballer or Australian tourist was killed. Otherwise I couldn’t care less.”

”I promise to prioritise sports over education.”

”I promise to jump on any bandwagon and follow any sport… as long as Australia is winning.”

”I promise to get emotionally involved with the plight of trapped miners, convicted drug smugglers, disaster victims and celebrities with cancer but instantly forget about them as soon as the next distraction comes along”

”I promise to claim all successful New Zealanders as Australian until they do something wrong”

”I promise to buy luxury houses, have babies and use credit to buy everything I want and put myself into massive debt but complain that someone should help me when I can’t pay it all back.”

”I promise to believe everything that Naomi Robson, John Laws and Alan Jones say because despite having millions of dollars and living in luxury they understand the plight of the Aussie battler”

and

” I promise to demand perfection from immigrants but mediocrity from everyone else, after all that’s the essence of a fair go”

Let’s just hope that the values test won’t be thrust upon the rest of us. I doubt many ‘real’ Australians would do very well in an Australian history exam and if faced with the idea of an English test I think most Australians would ask “Is Warnie playing?”