Think Outside the Ballot Box

It’s election week. That special time, once every three years, when we get to wield our democratic power in a cardboard booth with a little pencil. However, deciding who to vote for is never easy. Elections can be very confusing and a bit boring. Let’s face it, making politics interesting is like trying to make Jesus ‘cool’ for teenagers. Many try but it only ends up being awkward for everyone. So, in an effort to help you sort through the rhetoric I have written a straight forward glossary to explain some of the more common political terms and hopefully give you a solid understanding of how it all works.

Poll: What bogan girls dance on to get fit.
Election: What may result from watching the girls on the poll.
Vote: What you do to keep contestants in reality TV shows.
Informal Vote: Wearing shorts to the polling place.
Debate: What politicians use to lure voters onto de-hook.
Campaign: What politicians drink to celebrate after they win.
Candidate: The person you don’t recognise who is standing next to Kevin or John on your How to Vote card.
Mandate: Political prerogative, so called because it is like going on a date with a chauvinist man, that is, you’re stuck with someone who makes all the decisions whether you like them or not.
Interest Rates: A numerical index to represent people’s interest in politics. Historically the higher the index, the more people are interested in what the government does. When the index is low people will be more interested in their big screen TVs.
Prime Minister: A minister that can only be divided evenly by one and itself.
Treasurer: The person responsible when the economy is going well.
International Financial Pressure: The thing responsible when the economy is going bad.
Inflation: The increase in self esteem the Treasurer feels when the economy is going well.
Government: The people who run the country.
Big Business: The people who run the Government.
Opposition: Identical to the government except for the banner they stand in front of.
Parliament: 70s funk band.
Parliament House: Type of dance music remixed from 70s funk tracks.
Trade Union Movement: The noise in the cupboard that Kevin Rudd doesn’t want you to hear.
Labor Party: The spelling indicates that it is not to be confused with ‘work’. Labor is a party with no time for ‘U’.
Liberal Party: Spelling is also important here. The big ‘L’ means the word is opposite to its normal meaning. This party is also Honest, Fair and Good for the country.
Greens: What your Mum told you to eat if you want to be big and strong. They probably are good for you but they make a pretty lightweight meal on their own.
Democrats: Mythical party who some believe still exists. The name is derived from the equally mythical term ‘democracy’.
Independent: Someone who can’t find enough friends to have a party.

Hopefully this has helped clear things up. And, on a personal note, please remember that in some countries people have to fight and die for their right to vote. Your vote is precious and vital. If you waste it, Matt Corby may not win Idol. Please vote now!